You’re Always On My Mind
SS by Kelli

"You're always on my mind…but especially today," I say as I flip shut the lid to the small box I clutch in my hand.

 I rub my face with my other hand and lean my head back against the couch. 

December 2^nd…God, this is tougher than I thought.  I stare at the phone that's lying on the couch next to me.  I should just pick it up and call her.  A friend can wish another friend a happy birthday, right?

I give in and pick up the phone. I dial her familiar cell phone number.

"Hi, this is me…you've got my attention so leave me a message."

Beep.

"Hey Brit…I just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday.  I can't believe you're finally 21.  Don't party too hard tonight.  Anyway, I hope you're with family and friends on this day.  I'll talk to you later.  Bye."

I hang up the phone and throw it next to me.  Then I lean over and place my head in my hands.

"Okay, Timberlake.  Get over it," I say out loud as I stand up and stretch.  The box falls to the floor so I lean over and pick it up.  I look at it and shake my head.

"No…dreams don't always come true."

I walk into my bedroom and place the box in my dresser drawer.

My phone rings so I walk back into the great room to answer it.  I look at the caller id.

"Hi mom."

"Hi baby.  How are you today?" she asks.

"I'm fine mom.  You don't have to check up on me."

I sit down on the couch and pick up the remote to the TV.  I turn it on and put it on mute and start flipping through the channels.

"I check up on you five times a day, what are you talking about?" she chuckles.

"Oh," I laugh.  "I guess you do."

"But I am going to ask you a question anyway…"

"Oh God," I moan.

"How are you doing today?"

"I'm okay," I say softly.  "I just called Brit and left her a message wishing her a happy birthday.  I hope she's having fun."

"She's in Kentwood with her family."

"Good."

"I talked to her yesterday.  I knew she'd be busy today and I didn't want to miss wishing her a happy 21^st."

"Yeah.  So, how's dad?"

"Nice change of subject but he's fine."

"Good," I nod.

My mom's phone beeps.

"Honey, I've got another call and I'm expecting your Grandma to call."

"It's okay.  I might call Chris or something."

"Okay.  I love you."

"I love you too."

We hang up the phone and I stare at it again.  I don't feel like talking to anyone else.  I stretch out a little bit and stare at the muted TV.  I don't even realize it when I doze off.

Suddenly the phone rings and I sit up quickly.  When I get my bearings I reach for the phone and answer it without even looking at the caller ID.

"Hello?" I answer groggily.

"Did I wake you?"

My eyes widen as I recognize her voice.

"Britney…happy birthday."

I rub my eyes with my thumb and pointer finger.

"Thanks.  I got your message," she says softly.

"Good.  I was hoping you'd check your cell phone."

"Well…"

She pauses.

"What?" I ask.

"I was actually wondering why you hadn't called yet.  I just guessed you would, you know?  So mama suggested that I check voice mail."

"She's a smart lady.  I wasn't sure where you were at or I would have tried a different number."

"We're in Kentwood.  That's okay…I got the message, that's all that matters."

 "I'm glad you'll be with your family.  You doing anything special tonight?"

 Hopefully with no guys, I think.

 "Laura Lynn and Jansen are taking me out…we leave for New Orleans in about thirty minutes."

 "Oh okay.  Well yeah, you'll have fun," I chuckle.

 "Yeah," she quietly agrees.  "So, you're in LA?"

 "Yeah.  I just finished the shoot for my next video yesterday."

 "That's great.  I can't wait to see it.  Your mom called me yesterday and told me where you were.  If you were in Orlando I was going to suggest you swing by New Orleans and join us."

 I smile.  "That would have been a very tempting offer."

 She laughs, creating that beautiful music I miss so much.

 "It sounds good to hear you laugh," I say softly.

 "Thanks," she says.  "J, I…"

 I hear the uncertainty in her voice.

 "What?"

 "I miss talking to you all the time.  I don't know if you want to hear that or not but we decided to be honest and clear with each other now and that's how I feel."

"You're right…we did decide that."

"So that's it?"  Now I hear the irritation in her voice.

"No…I could get very deep and meaningful if you'd like."

"Oh…I don't know.  Will I be able to handle it?"

"You want honesty…I just miss you period.  But you know the one thing that scares me?"

"What's that?"

"That I won't know you.  We've been away from each other for a good part of a year and a lot has happened to us in that time…"

"Yes it has," she says softly.

"So I know I miss the old Britney…the one I fell in love with.  But I don't really know the current Britney."

"Would you want to?" she asks.  I can tell she's fighting back tears.

"Yes…I would. I do."

"Oh Justin…we tried to get back together…"

"Yeah but things were so rushed.  We both have the time off right now.  I don't go back to work until January.  I'm not saying I expect anything or that you should. I just want to get to know my friend again."

"I'd like that.  But I don't want to get hurt again.  That's my main fear of letting you back into my life…is feeling that much pain."

I close my eyes.

"I feel the same way.  It's been hard to let people in, hasn't it?"

"Yes."

I hear her mama saying something in the background.

"Okay mama," she says away from the phone.  "She says a package just arrived for me and that I shouldn't hang up with you," she laughs.

"Oh…hmmm, I wonder why," I tease.

"J, what did you do?"

"I just sent you a little something."

I hear her walking through the house.  I can picture her walking through the large hallway, into the living room.

"It's a big box.  Did you get me that new car?"

"Yeah, in that box?  A toy car for your dog maybe…"

I hear her opening up the box and tearing off the paper.

"Hold on, I'm going to put the phone down so I can lift it out of the box."

"Okay."

I hear her set the phone down and the next thing I hear is, "Awwww.  Look at this mama."

She picks the phone back up.

"It's so cute.  I love it, thank you."

"You're very welcome.  I hope it turned out just how I imagined it."

"I'll describe it to you.  There's a pretty big basket…in a beautiful shade of baby blue, I might add.  Inside is a fairy doll…she's porcelain.  There's a couple of stuffed bears.  Oh how funny…one of them has a little T-shirt on with a fairy on it.  There's a couple more smaller fairy figurines and a large stuffed fairy."

"Stuffed?" I ask, chuckling.

"Well it's cloth…she's cute too."

"Is there a box?"

"Wait," I hear her moving paper around.  "Yes, here it is."

I assume she opens it.

"Oh wow.  I love it. I don't have much turquoise."

"Well, it reminded me of the jewelry we looked at in Hawaii."

"You're right.  Thank you.  Everything's beautiful."

"No problem.  I just wish it could be more."

Ahhh, my standard line.  I used to tell her that all the time.

I hear her walking again.

"Where are you going now?" I ask.

"Back to my room.  Too many people in the living room.  I'm taking the porcelain doll with me so I can set her up on my shelf."

"Cool."

"So Justin…I have a question and you don't have to answer me if you don't want to."

I lean back and put my feet up on my coffee table.

"Okay."

"Lance joked that you had already had my 21^st birthday party planned out before we broke up.  Is that true?"

I hesitate before I answer.  If I say this the wrong way it could open up a whole can of worms.

"Uh…kinda.  I had a few ideas planned out."

"Oh.  Like what?"

"Your gift and how I was going to present it to you."

"Really?  Wow.  You really do plan ahead," she kids me.

"Well this was special."

"Yeah my 21^st birthday is special…"

"No, I mean the present was."

"Oh.  Can I ask what it was?" she asks slowly.

I rub my forehead.

"I don't know if I can tell you…"

"I understand…"

But I know she doesn't.

"How can I tell you what it was while I'm in LA and you're in Kentwood?  This is something I should probably tell you in person."

"It is?  Justin, just please tell me."

"Well, I hadn't quite decided exactly when I was going to do this…if it was going to be the weekend before or the weekend after your birthday.  But I was going to take you away somewhere.  Somewhere kind of like that lodge at Lake Placid…"

"Oh, that was nice."

"Yeah.  And I have…had a ring for you."

"A ring?  Another promise ring?"

"No…this was more.  I was going to ask you to marry me, Britney."

"Oh God," she chokes out.

"Brit?"

"Give me a second," she says.

I know she's crying.  I didn't mean to upset her.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

No answer…she must have put the phone down.

In a couple of minutes she picks the phone back up.

"I'm sorry, but I can't stop crying so I won't keep you…"

"No, Brit, don't hang up.  Tell me what you're feeling," I plead.

She sniffles.  "I don't know exactly.  When we were together, deep down I was hoping you were going to propose to me some time this year.  But to actually hear you say those words…"

"Yeah, I know.  Maybe I shouldn't have told you.  No sense in thinking about what might have been…"

"No, I'm glad I know.  So, you actually had the ring picked out?" she asks softly.

"I uh…I actually have the ring."

"You have it now?"

"Yeah.  I don't know why I kept it…" I shrug even though I know she can't see me.

"Oh."

There was silence.

"Brit, tell me what you're thinking…"

"I can't think clearly right now.  I think that's my problem," she says with a chuckle.  I can tell she's been crying because she sounds stuffed up.

"Try."

"I'm just so confused.  I miss you so much and I want to try to get back together with you but then…"

"But then you don't?"

"But then I have been enjoying my freedom and like I said before, I'm scared of getting hurt again."

"Me too.  I feel the exact same way."

"I guess…I guess we could take it slow.  Remember when we first started going out?  We would just talk on the phone for hours, but we hardly got to see each other."

"Yeah," I smile.  "I hated that though."

She chuckles.  "Yeah, me too actually."

I hear a knock on her door and a muffled noise.

"Okay mama, tell them I'll be right down.  Laura Lynn and Jansen are here," she tells me.  "I really need to touch up before they see me."

I close my eyes.  "Okay.  We still need to talk about this."

"I know.  I'll probably be thinking about it all night," she laughs.

"Well, at least I'll be on your mind," I tease her.

"Justin, you were on my mind a lot.  Probably a lot more than I wanted to realize."

"Yeah, same here," I say softly.  "Well, just go out and have fun.  We can talk later."

"Yeah, you're right.  I don't know what good I'll be tomorrow but if I'm up to it we'll talk about this tomorrow?"  It ended in more of a question than a statement.

"I'd like that.  Brit…"

"Yes?"

"Happy birthday.  And…" I swallow.  "I do still love you."

It takes her a few seconds to respond and when she does, her voice is full of emotion.

"Justin…I still love you too.  And thank you."

We hang up the phone and I stare at it for a minute.  I roll my shoulders around.

I thought I'd feel tense but I don't.  I feel like the weight of the world has been taken off of my shoulders.

I remember the day I bought her ring.  We just got back from Hawaii in January and I was so wrapped up in the moment that I had to go tell the guys.  Well, only Lance, JC and Chris were there so I told them.  None of them seemed surprised.  Hell, I was surprised.  I never intended on getting engaged at 21, but here I was.  I had been in a 3-year relationship with a woman I thought was pretty perfect.  My soul mate.  I still believe she's my soul mate.  I can't imagine sharing with anyone else what I shared with her. 

So why weren't we together?

I ask myself that every single day.

And I've never been able to come up with a good answer.  Right now I think both of us are just timid and scared.  We were hurt pretty badly.

I look at my watch and realize that most of the day is over with and I spent it on worrying about how I was going to talk to Britney.

The buzzer for my gate rings, so I walk over to the intercom and look at the monitor.

"Hey Jayce…I'll buzz you in."

"Thanks."

In a few minutes he makes it up to my door and comes in.

I stand there with my hands on my hips.

"Did the guys send you here to baby-sit me?" I ask.

He shakes his head.  "No, I just now realized what day it was.  I just thought about you and decided to stop by.  See if you wanted to be distracted."

We take a seat.  I rest my forearms on my legs and look down at my hands.

"Thanks, but I'm okay, really." I pause.  "I just talked to her," I say looking up at him.

"How is she?"

"She's good.  She's going out partying with her friends," I smile.

"That's good," he nods.

"I told her…"

"About the ring?"

I nod.  "Yeah."

"How did she take it?"

"She cried," I smile slightly.  "She said deep down she knew.  I don't know," I shrug.  "It opened a new line of communication between us.  We'll see."  I lean back on the couch.

"Well it sounds like you don't need me…I'll stay if you want."

"It doesn't matter if you're here or not…she'll always be on my mind," I smile at him.