Under My Skin

Part I: My Happy Ending

March 2002

A door slams. A picture of me and Justin is knocked from the shelf, and the glass of the frame shatters into a million pieces. I can hear loud, deliberate steps pounding up the stairs, and then it stops. I’m too afraid to move, so I sit with my back pressed against the headboard and my legs tucked up to my chest. The person on the other side of the bedroom door is either a crazed stalker, or worse…Justin. I listen closely, and my worst fears are realized. I can hear deep breathing coming from the hallway, and it is accompanied by faint sobs. I now know it is Justin. I slowly rise from the bed, tears already pouring down my face because I know what has caused this mixture of rage and depression…me. I move to the door and with a shaking hand I swing it open to reveal a broken man. The blue eyes that once only held love and happiness now only hold hate and confusion. He brushes past me roughly, and in doing so he knocks me to floor. I land with a thud. He rushes back to me and ever so gently picks up, and then he suddenly releases me as if I have burned him. His eyes now hold a bit of remorse. Justin would never intentionally hurt me. He goes to sit on the bed and then looks at it with disgust. I know he knows. Finally, after what seems like an eternity he speaks-- one soft, broken word.

“Why?”

“I never slept with him J.”

“Why?”

“I swear I never slept with him.”

“I’m going to ask you one more time Britney, why?”

“It started a couple months ago. You were at some late meeting with Jive, and I was at home alone. He called and asked if I wanted to grab some dinner and maybe see a movie. That was nothing new though. We did that all the time. He was my friend. At dinner we had a couple of glasses of wine. You know how the smallest amount affects me. Then we saw a movie. To be honest I don’t even remember what it was. When we got back here you still weren’t home. He offered to come in and keep me company until you got back. So I invited him in. At first we were just talking, but then the alcohol from dinner started to make me really tired. I told him not to let me fall asleep because I hadn’t seen you in over a week. The next thing I know I’m being carried upstairs. I’m laid on the bed. I thought it was you. He was holding me the same way you do, and he touched me the same way. He even kissed me the same way. You’re the only one who has ever kissed me that way. Then he started to take my pants off, and I knew it wasn’t you. You always look into my eyes for reassurance every time, and he didn’t do that. So I pushed him off me and started screaming at him. He said he thought I wanted it too since I was going along. So then he apologized, and I asked him to leave. He did, and you came home, and that was it.”

“But that wasn’t it, was it Britney?”

I cringe slightly, he never calls me by my full name. That makes twice tonight.

“You were around less and less. I was lonely, and I missed you. It had be a month since we had really been together. One night was particularly difficult, and he offered to stay with me. All I could think about was how he touched me like you, and how he kissed me like you. It never went beyond kissing, J, I swear it.”

“How many times did this little comfort session happen?”

“Four maybe five. But that’s all it was, comfort.”

“And I suppose that that is supposed to bring me comfort, huh Britney!”

“No, but…I…you…”

“Shut up! There have been plenty of times when you weren’t around, and never once did I waiver. There were always other girls around, and I never even looked their direction because I stupidly thought I had the girl of my dreams waiting for me, I thought I had my future wife and mother of my children dreaming about me. Not fucking around with my best friend!”

“I am those things J. Please you have to believe me that I never slept with him.”

“Again, is that supposed to bring me comfort? I gave you my heart and soul Britney. I gave you the world, I gave you everything!”

He’s screaming at me. His emotions are so raw right now. Justin is a strong man, very little can bring him to this point. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this. At that thought I being to cry uncontrollably. I have done this. I have caused this man, that I love more than anything, so much pain. I took his trust in me and used it.

“You know Britney, through all of this you haven’t once said his name. I can’t say his name because it makes me sick. So why don’t you do me a favor and say his name.”

“Please don’t do this.”

“Say it damn it!”

“Wade.”

“Ahh yes, my best friend. The one guy I thought I could trust to protect you when I couldn’t. I guess I was wrong. But I guess I was wrong about you too. I thought you loved me.”

“I do.”

“No you don’t. You’re just like all the rest. And so I think I’ll say to you what I said to them, it’s over!”

“No! Don’t do this. We can work it out.”

“It’s over Britney, I can’t ever trust you again.”

He turns to leave. Just before he gets to the door he looks at me.

“I do feel that I should say one thing to you that I didn’t say to them though.”

I can’t speak. I’m crying so hard that I’m convulsing. I can hardly breath.

“Thank you.”

I only look at him with confused eyes.

“ Thank you for destroying my happy ending.”

With that he leaves. The room starts to spin around me. I fall back against the wall and slowly slide down it. My world was just shattered into a million pieces just like the broken picture frame that lies across from me. This is all my fault. I knew he would find out. I don’t even really know why I did the things I did. All I know is that I destroyed our happy ending.

Let’s talk this over

It’s not like we’re dead.

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

Don’t leave me hanging in a city so dead,

held up so high on such unbreakable thread.

You were all the things I thought I knew,

and I thought we could be.

You were everything everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be supposed to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending.

You’ve got your dumb friends.

I know what they say.

They tell you I’m difficult, but so are they.

But they don’t know me.

Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me,

all the shit that you do.

You were all the things I thought I knew,

and I thought we could be.

You were everything everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be supposed to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending so much for my happy ending.

It’s nice to know that you were there.

Thanks for acting like you cared,

and making me feel like I was the only one.

It’s nice to know we had it all.

Thanks for watching as I fall,

and letting me know we were done.

You were everything everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be supposed to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending so much for my happy ending.

You were everything everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be supposed to be, but we lost it.

All of the memories so close to me just fade away.

All this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending.