Open Wounds
SS by Amanda

“Hey momma, what’s up?” I ask as I walk into the living room.

She says nothing as she looks down at the magazine in her hand. 

As I get closer to her, I see a picture of Britney and me from the VMA’s a month earlier.

“What are you reading?” I ask softly.

As she finally turns her gaze to meet mine, I see a tremendous amount of sadness and disappointment in her eyes.

“Momma, what is it?” I ask confused.

She slowly lifts the magazine to me and motions for me to take it.

I take a deep breath and begin to read the article next to the picture of Brit and me.

"Recently it has been stated that the queen of pop, Britney Spears has admitted to having a loving relationship with teen pop king, Justin Timberlake of *NSYNC. Saying that he is all she needs and she loves him very much. But that is not what the other person in this fairytale love story is saying. When Justin Timberlake, 19, was asked while taking a time out from rehearsal for the Latin Grammy's, about what Spears, 18, had said, he seemed to have a stunned look on his face.” She said that? Uhh, noooooo," he stated as he dragged on the "no" for a long time. "Britney and I have been long time friends since we were on the  'Mouse Club' together, we used to have a relationship on there, but from what I knew of we are still just friends," the curly-headed singer said. "That really confuses me why she would say that. Maybe she didn't, the magazine could have made it up, but either way, it is totally false." When asked by SH reporters about what he is going to tell the fans since this great commotion hit after the MTV 2000 Video Music Awards, where he was sitting with Spears and reportedly kissed her, he responded, "We sat next to each other, that's it. No kissing, no nothing. There is nothing but a friendship between us, and I mean, hopefully the fans will realize that and not make a big deal out of something fake like this. It's just like the marriage rumor, I laughed at that and I probably will laugh at this one soon enough." Even though the magazine, Elle, in the United States seems to think that this is right, it definitely shocked the man involved in this situation to the point of us leaving him as he was still laughing." 

As I finish, I raise my eyes to hers.

“Justin, I know that these magazines print a lot of rumors, so tell me that this isn’t true.  Tell me you didn’t say those things.”

I lower my head and look down at the floor.

“I did say it,” I whisper as I walk toward the couch and slowly sit down.

I can feel her eyes on me as I move my elbows to my knees and place my chin in my hands.

“Why, Justin?” 

She sits down beside of me, her eyes still locked on me, but I don’t look at her.

“I don’t know,” I say softly as I shake my head, “I was upset about a lot of things that day.  Brit had just went to Europe and I hadn’t been able to talk to her that much and Johnny had been complaining all day about some interview that Britney had did where she told them that we were dating and he kept talking about how our fans were gonna rip her apart.”

I look down at the magazine once more and flinch as I see Britney’s smiling face looking up at me.

“I was just angry at the world at the moment and when that guy asked me about her, I just went off.  I didn’t even remember what I said.  It was my anger talking, not me.”

She remains quiet for a few seconds as she moves her gaze to the magazine.

“She saw it, Justin.”

My eyes immediately move to her as she speaks.

“What?”

“Britney saw the magazine.  She called me.”

A sharp pain shoots through my heart and I close my eyes and lean back against the couch.

“What did she say?” I say softly as I continue to avoid my mother’s eyes.

“She wants to believe that it’s not true, but her heart is telling her that it is.”

I move my hands up and slowly begin to rub my eyes.

“She’s not angry, but she seemed very sad.  She wanted to call you but she knew that you were in the studio today and she didn’t want to bother you.”

My heart aches as I picture Britney’s reaction to the article.  I can’t imagine how she feels right now.

“Can I ask you something, J?” she whispers and I finally turn and look at her.

I nod my head yes as she looks at me.

“Are you embarrassed of Britney?”

Hearing those words come from my mother’s mouth hurts more than anything.

“No, momma.  God no,” I say, my voice a little harsher than I anticipated.

“Then why, baby?  That girl has been through hell and back for you.  She has put her heart on the line and this is how you repay her?  By making her look stupid in front of the entire world.”

I can tell by her voice that she’s confused by my actions.

Hell, I am too.

“She thinks you’re embarrassed of her.”

Her words are strong and blatant, causing my heart to break.

“I’m not embarrassed of her, momma,” I whisper as I lower my head, “It’s just so hard sometimes.  It’s so hard being away from her.  It’s so hard standing back and watching our fans try to destroy her.  It’s so hard for me to not be there for her when I know she needs me.  It’s just hard, momma.”

I can feel tears start to sting my eyes and I let them fall freely down my face.

“I love her.  I love her so much.”

She gently places her hand on my leg and squeezes.

“I know.  But I want you to think about this.  You worry about how much the fans hurt Britney, but I’m pretty sure that when she read your words in that magazine today, that hurt her a thousand times more.  You see, those people, they don’t know her and though what they say hurts her, she knows how to move past it.  But you, you know her and to have you to say those things, that destroyed her.  You are the only thing that matters to her and right now, you’ve put a lot of sadness in her life.”

I move my eyes to hers and nod my head.

“And I’m afraid if you don’t watch, you’re gonna lose her and I don’t think that’s what you want.”

“I don’t want to lose her, momma.  She’s my world.”

She looks at me and nods her head.

“Then you know what you need to do.”

She slowly places my phone on the table in front of me and gets up and leaves the room.

I look once more at the magazine and shake my head.

I broke her heart, now I must fix it.

I grab the phone and dial her number, paying no attention to the time.

I can feel my hands start to tremble as I wait for an answer.

“Hello?”

My heart stops momentarily as I hear the mumbled voice on the other end of the line.

“Britney?”

A few seconds of silence passes before I hear the voice again.

“Uuhh.  No, Justin, this is Fe.  Britney is asleep.”

I can feel the anxiety in her voice as she speaks; telling me that she’s also saw the magazine.

“Fe, I need to talk to her.  Please.”

Again, silence.  She’s struggling with what to say.

“I understand Justin.  I know there is a lot that you and her need to talk about.  But she’s had a really rough day and she locked herself in the bedroom and told me that she did not want to be disturbed under any circumstance.”

This time, I’m the one struggling with the words.

“Fe. . . . . . . . . . . . . is she ok?”

My voice cracks as I realize the severity of my mistake.  I can only hope that I haven’t lost her.

“She’s confused, Justin.  And heartbroken.  She doesn’t understand why you said those things.”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

“I don’t understand why I said it either.  But, I promise you, Fe, that I didn’t mean it.  I just need to prove that to her.”

I open my mouth to speak more, but she interrupts me.

“That you do, Justin, but not tonight.  She made it very clear that she wants to be left alone tonight.”

I nod my head as I listen to her words.  I understand what she is saying.  I understand why Britney is confused.  I understand why she needs to be alone.

I just wish I could tell her exactly how I feel.

“Ok,” I relent, “Could you just tell her that I love her, Fe?”

I can feel her sympathetic smile through the phone as I hear her breath.

“I’ll do that.”

As Fe and I say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone, a feeling of despair overtakes me. 

I have to do something.  I have to fix my relationship with Brit.

Nine hours later, I stand in front of room 746 in the hotel Britney is staying at in Paris. 

My hands are shaking, my palms sweating, my heart racing.

As I bring my hand up to knock, the door opens and Fe runs into me.

“Justin,” she says as she looks at me, “What are you doing here?”

“If she won’t talk to me on the phone, I will make sure she talks to me in person.  I have to see her, Fe.”

She looks around for a few moments as she breaths heavy.

Once her eyes meet mine again, I can see her sympathy.

“She’s in the bedroom with Teresa.”

I waste no time in moving into the room and heading for Britney.

“Justin.”

I turn around and see Fe standing at the door with a huge smile on her face.

“Good luck.”

I nod my head as a huge smile spreads across my face.

“Thanks.”

As I make it to the door, I see Britney sitting on the bed, her head down.  Teresa  is across the room, putting clothes into a suitcase.

“You have an interview today, don’t you?” Teresa says as she tries to stuff a sweatshirt into the already overstuffed luggage.

“Yeah,” Britney replies quietly as she begins to examine her fingernails.

Teresa stops packing and turns her head to look at Britney.  As she does, I step to the side and peek inside.

“Brit, you know they are gonna ask you about Justin.  What are you gonna say?”

I twinge of pain runs through me as I watch Britney shrug her shoulders and places her hands on the bed beside her.

“She’s gonna tell them the truth,” I say as I step inside and stand in front of the doorway.

Britney’s eyes raise to mine quickly and for a split second, I see the joy in them.  But just as quickly, it is replaced by sadness.

Sadness that I caused.

“What are you doing here?” she says through her cracking voice. 

I slowly start to walk toward her and I can see the swelling around her eyes and down her cheeks from crying. 

“I need to talk to you.”

I look at Teresa and she begins to walk to the door.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” she says as she reaches the door and turns around, “I’ll be outside if you need me, Brit.”

My eyes follow Teresa as she leaves.

“You shouldn’t have came.”

I turn quickly to see Britney looking down at the floor, fresh tears forming in her eyes.

“I need to see you.  I need to fix this.”

I move to the bed and sit down next to her, her body tensing up as it brushes against mine.

“That article, Brit . . . . . . . . what they quoted in that article was true.  I said that.”

Britney takes a deep breath and moves her head to look in the opposite direction, not allowing me to see her face.

“But Brit, I didn’t mean it.  I can’t explain why I said it because I really don’t know.  And I know that is no excuse.”

I move my hand to her leg and she quickly pushes it off.

“I had a lot of things going through my mind that day and as soon as I said those things, I regretted it.  I just hoped that they would never be printed.  But they were and now all I can say is that I’m sorry.  I’m very sorry.”

I see her nod her head and move her hand to her face, wiping away the tears that had been previously falling freely onto the bed.

“Do you know how that made me feel.  To read those words. . . . . . I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t true, that you didn’t say those things, but my heart told me that you did.”

Her voice shakes as she tries to speak through her tears and my heart breaks with every second.

“I’m sorry, Brit.  I didn’t mean what I said.”

“But you said it,” she interrupts, “you told the world that what I was saying was a lie.  You told the world that you weren’t my boyfriend.”

She turns quickly and looks at me, tears falling uncontrollably down her face.

“Is that what you want, Justin?  Do you want us to be just friends, because if you do, you need to tell me because I don’t want to ride this emotional roller coaster anymore.”

I shake my head frantically and grab her hands.

“No, baby.  That’s not what I want.”

“Then why won’t you tell them?  Why won’t you tell them about us?  Why won’t you tell them that I’m your girlfriend?  Why do you want to do this to me?”

Her voice is full of concern and worry, yet it is forceful and strong.

“I can’t take this, Justin.  I thought we were done with the hiding.  I thought we were done with the lying.  But I seem to be the only one who’s following through with it.  And I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t let this relationship destroy me.”

I can feel tears start to fall from my eyes as I look at her.

“Britney, baby, please,” I drop down to my knees and grab onto her hands, “Please don’t say that.  I screwed up, I admit that, but I want to make this up to you.  Baby, I promise you that I will tell the world the truth.  I will tell everyone how I feel about you.  Everyone.  I won’t let the media and the fans dictate our relationship.  I promise that I will never hurt you again, baby.  Never.”

I place one hand under her chin and bring her eyes to mine.

“Britney, I love you with all of my heart and I can’t imagine not having you by my side.  Please.”

She looks at me for a few moments as the tears begin to slow down.

“I love you, Justin,” she whispers, “and I’m not afraid to tell anyone that.  My love for you is strong.  It’s stronger than anything that they can throw at us. . . . . . . . . Don’t be afraid, Justin.”

I gently place my hands on her cheeks and pull her to me, placing her head on my shoulder.