Nobody Knows
Wish I'd told her how I felt,
Then maybe she'd be here right now,
But instead...
I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
"Baby, what’s wrong?"
Her voice stings my ears as stands across from me on the tour bus. I can see the worry in her eyes. The fear.
"Nothing," I hiss, a little more harshly than I mean, "Don’t you need to go anyway?"
Falling to her knees, she takes my hands in her own and rubs them gently.
"Justin, we’ve talked about this. You’ve known for months that I had promotions to do. Why is it an issue now?"
I feel that familiar twinge of pain race through my body as she stares at me.
The words that are in my heart don’t seem to surface, so I shake my head, "It’s not an issue Brit. It’s obviously not an issue. I mean, I followed you around the country like a lost dog the past couple of months but you can’t even make it to my first show."
My words hurt her and she moves back a little, her big brown eyes studying me.
"So that’s what this is about? The fact that I missed you first show? I don’t believe that Justin, there’s more. So tell me the truth."
I stand up abruptly, knocking her back onto the floor and walk to the front of the bus, my eyes focused outside.
"You want to know the truth Brit, I’ll tell you the truth. I have so many things going on right now. The media is on my ass over this solo project and there’s so many Nsync break up rumors. Everyone is whispering things behind our backs and pointing fingers and it all focuses around . . . . ."
"Me," she whispers, her tiny voice breaking.
Running my hand through my curls, I close my eyes.
"Yes."
I hear her laugh softly, but don’t turn to look at her.
"So you’re pushing me away?"
"No," I say quickly as I finally turn to her. Her eyes are laced with tears as she continues to sit on the floor, her hands folded in front of her.
"Yes you are, J. For the past few days, you’ve found any reason to pick a fight with me."
In my heart, I know she’s right.
"So tell me," she says softly as she begins to rub her hands together, "What does this mean? I have to walk out of here in a few minutes and get on an airplane to Italy. But before I do, I need to know what you’re feeling."
I walk to her, placing my hand on her arm and pulling her off the floor.
"I don’t know how I feel, Brit. I think that I just need some time to think things through, you know?"
She nods her head, fighting back the tears, "I know."
Placing my forehead to hers, I kiss her nose lightly.
"I love you Brit."
She smiles as she reaches her arms around me and hugs me against her chest. I’m instantly lost in her.
Reluctantly, she pulls back, taking a step toward the door before she finds my gaze once more.
"So, umm, I have to go. I’ll call you from somewhere in Europe," she laughs for a moment before her face grows serious, "And you think . . . . . . . you think."
I don’t move as she turns and walks the door.
Part of my heart is instantly missing.
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
I watch Johnny from the corner of my eye, his focus clearly on the magazine lying in front of him.
This is how it’s been, every day. He sits there, reading the newest reports, gives me that disapproving glare and then walks away without saying a word.
But today, today is different.
He walks to me, the magazine clutched in his hand and throws it down on the table.
My eyes immediately skim the article, it’s the same thing. I’m leaving. The guys are waiting. And then, there’s her name again.
My heart drops.
"The media is having a field day over all of this," he says as he runs his hand over the stubble on his chin, "And now that Chris has pretty much confirmed your solo album, all hell is breaking loose."
I say nothing as I bite my lip and nod my head.
"And do you want to tell me what’s really going on with you and Brit?"
"Nothing," I whisper, "Nothing is going on."
He shakes his head, "Truthfully Justin, I’m glad she’s not here right now, because if she was, I’m sure that the media would be on her even more than they are. Hopefully by the time she makes it back to the states, this will have all blown over and she won’t be branded another Yoko."
His words tear at my heart because I know that he’s right.
Slapping my back, he walks out of the dressing room.
"Justin," Joey yells as he pokes his head inside the room, "Hey man, we’re all going out tonight if you want to come."
My eyes travel back to the magazine and I nod my head.
Why not?
A few hours and a few drinks later, I look down at my ringing cell phone and the name flashing on the screen.
Britney.
"Aren’t you gonna answer that?" Lance says as he notices me staring.
"No."
He shakes his head and glares at me for a few moments before he walks back out into the sea of people.
"Girlfriend problems?"
I don’t look up, I don’t have to.
"Kind of," I whisper as I look away from the woman beside me.
"You know there’s no reason to come to a club if you’re just gonna sit there all night," she laughs. I chuckle softly as I finally meet her gaze.
And her eyes.
Eyes that remind me so much of the woman I am missing like crazy right now.
Before I can resist, I offer my hand to her, "Wanna dance?"
She smiles, nodding her head slightly as she places her hand in mine and allows me to lead her to the dance floor.
As we reach the dance floor, I see JC’s disapproving eyes. I turn away. It’s only a dance.
No one can get hurt by a dance.
Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around
"Staring at the phone isn’t gonna will her to call."
I take a deep breath, leaning back in my chair, "Do you think she believes it?"
JC glares at me, his eyes full of confusion.
"She has no reason not to believe it does she? I mean, you haven’t called her. You didn’t answer her phone call that night or the next three days after. I mean J, she was in the states and you didn’t acknowledge her existence. Brit normally has a level head on her shoulders but you sure aren’t helping this situation any."
"It was a dance. It was nothing. Everything is so blown out of proportion."
He shakes his head as he throws a picture of Britney and Anson down in front of me.
A twinge of pain instantly shoots through my body as I stare down at it, his hand engulfing her tiny one as they both wear huge smiles. She looks beautiful. Radiant. Happy.
"Yeah well, I know that, but she doesn’t."
He turns to leave before the words that have been stuck in my throat leak through.
"Maybe it’s best that she thinks it’s true."
My words stop him dead in his tracks and he turns slowly, his eyes wide.
"What are you talking about? This is Britney, J."
Clenching my eyes shut, I struggle to hide my tears.
"Nothing man. . . . . . . It’s just that maybe me and Brit should spend some time apart."
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
The sweat from my brow slides down my face and onto my shirt as I hold some random girls’ body against mine.
The music that is pounding the walls of the club does nothing to wipe her words from my mind.
"Why Justin," she pleads, her tiny voice breaking with every word. She may be thousands of miles away but I could feel the tears running down her cheeks.
"I have a lot of issues to sort out Brit."
"Jenna," she hisses before she grows silent.
I want to reach out and touch her. I want to take her in my arms and assure her that I haven’t and never will replace her.
But I can’t.
"No baby, this has nothing to do with Jenna. It has to do with me."
I can hear her quivering sobs through the phone and it’s every second begins to feel like a lifetime.
"So this is it?"
"It’s just a break, Brit," I say softly, trying to will myself to be strong.
As my heart pounds against my chest, I hear her soft voice once more.
"Find yourself Justin . . . . . . and hopefully, you will find me again."
I shake my head, taking her picture momentarily out of my mind as I look down at the woman in my arms.
Stopping suddenly, I step away from her, "I need a drink."
She follows me back to the bar, her hand resting on my arm the entire way.
"So where are you going when you leave here?"
I take a swig of tequila, the alcohol burning a trail through my body as I turn to her.
"Back to the hotel."
She smiles softly as she runs her hand up and down my arm.
"Alone."
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still
"Are you really ok?"
I laugh as I hear the Brooklyn accent behind me.
"Yeah, I’m perfectly fine."
Rosie looks at me suspiciously before a gentle smile forms across her lips.
"So she’s good?"
"Yeah," I say, "The guys have all talked to her and she’s doing good."
I see her furrow her eyebrows as she moves a little closer to me.
"You haven’t talked to her?"
Shaking my head slightly, I move my eyes from hers, "Not yet."
"You know," she whispers as she looks at me sympathetically, "You are young. And she’s just a baby. But love doesn’t distinguish between age or sex or anything."
I hear the rest of the guys laughing as they enter the room behind us.
"Just a little something to keep in mind that’s all."
She turns to leave and I reach back, grabbing her hand.
Her eyes meet mine and I smile, "Thanks."
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....
"You look chipper this morning," JC says as I walk into the hotel room.
"I’m good. I love New York."
My words are sincere. . . . somewhat. I do love New York, but only because I’ve shared so many memories with her here.
"Well, I’m gonna tell you something just so you know before the media runs with it."
I fall into the chair, moving my hand to my forehead, "What did I do now?"
"Actually," he stutters, "You didn’t do anything."
Raising my head immediately, I glare at him.
"Brit?"
My heart aches as he nods his head, "She’s been spending some time with Wade."
I feel the knife stabbing into my heart.
"And you know that they are just friends and Brit needs her friends right now, but you know the media is likely to twist that."
I know he’s right. He’s just her friend.
But I was too at one point.
"Well Justin," JC says as he takes a drink of the orange juice in his hand, "All she’s seeing is these reports of you out having the time of your life. It’s time for her to start getting out again."
I lower my head, analyzing the threads of my blue jeans.
"And I called Wade," he says, immediately bringing my eyes up to meet his, "She just needed someone. She had been stuck in LA for a few days without her friends or family and she needed someone to talk to. I can imagine that it isn’t easy for her staying there in your house."
He turns the chair across from me around and straddles it.
"I know that everyone thinks you are handling this so well. But I know you better than that Justin. I can see it in your eyes, in your face. Hell, you haven’t eaten right since this tour started. And it’s not because of the stress of the media or the stress of the tour, it’s because you miss her."
Silence engulfs the room until he finally stands up and begins to leave.
"You have a lot to think about Justin. A lot to think about."
Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely...
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me...
My heart races as I pull into the driveway of our Los Angeles mansion.
Instantly, I search for her car. But I see none.
Johnny said she was back. She had finished promotions in Australia and Tokyo and she would be home this morning.
I close my eyes as I throw the car into park, resting my head on the steering wheel.
What if she’s with Wade?
What if she doesn’t want to see me?
What if I can’t fix this?
"Justin."
My entire body freezes as her sweet voice enters my ears. Using every ounce of willpower I have, I slowly turn to her.
"What are you doing here? Don’t you guys have a show tonight?"
I step out of the car, instantly engulfing her tiny body in my arms. She hesitates momentarily, before she allows her body to melt into mine.
"I’ve missed you Brit," I whisper into her ear, "I’ve missed you so much."
Her hot tears burn into my neck as I rock her in my arms.
"But this is what you wanted."
I run my hand through her hair as I pull her away from me slightly.
"I never wanted to lose you, Brit. The media was slaughtering me and I thought that keeping you away from it was the best thing for both of us."
She steps back, her eyes focused on the ground, "I’m glad you did actually . . . . . it gave me a chance to find myself."
"Oh," I whisper, my heart breaking, "What did you find?"
She takes a deep breath as she turns away from me.
"I found that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I found that the world keeps turning even when your life seems to stop. I found that I don’t need anyone to make me happy, I only need myself."
My heart stops as I begin to fumble the keys in my hand.
"But there’s one other thing I found," she whispers as she turns to face me.
"I found that there’s so much of me . . . . . . .that is you."
The tears that have been stinging my eyes spill over and I walk to her, running my hand down her face.
"Maybe that’s why I love you. Because you are such a part of me," she cries, "I never thought it was over Justin. My heart always knew you would be back. We can’t breathe without each other remember?"
I laugh as I snake my arms around her waist.
"I don’t care about the media anymore baby. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again. I was miserable."
"Not according to the media," she laughs.
"Yeah well, they believe what they want to believe . . . . ."
She leans her head against mine, her tiny fingers tracing the buttons on my shirt.
"I knew you were miserable. I saw you on Rosie."
"You saw that?"
"Yeah," she whispers, "I wanted to get on the next plane to New York and find you, but it wasn’t my place."
I nod my head against hers, "It was mine. It just took me a while to figure that out."
"I’m glad you did," she says softly.
"Me too."
She leans her head back, looking into my eyes, "So no more breaks?"
I laugh, pulling her head back to mine, "No more breaks."
My lips meet hers, grazing them delicately before I pull her body completely against mine and let our mouths find each other in rediscovery.
"J," she says breathlessly as she pulls her mouth from mine, "We’re you jealous?"
I cock my eyebrow as I stare into her big brown eyes, "Of what?"
She smiles mischievously, "Of me and Wade?"
Laughing softly, I nod my head, "Yes."
Her hands latch onto my shirt as she pulls me back to her, her lips teasing mine.
"Good."
Lyrics – "Nobody Knows" by the Tony Rich Project
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