My Box

I've been sitting here in our new room unpacking for the past 2 hours. Our new room, the last time I ever shared a room and house with someone things were completely different. Different guy, different love, different time completely. Through all of this no matter how hard I try I keep comparing everything to when I was with Justin. The house, the memories, all of it. Kevin left a couple minutes ago to go get us some food. I told him I'd finish our room and then we'd move onto Kori's room together. We saved it for last. He thought it was because I was excited and couldn't wait to decorate a room for a little girl. I knew it was because I was scared. I wasn't ready for that and everyone but him knows it.

I finish emptying what I thought was the last box when my eyes land on one more, an average sized box wedged perfectly into a corner. To anyone else it might just seem like your typical packing box but I knew exactly what it was. I purposely left it at the old house mama probably thought I wanted to take it. I wanted to leave all of that behind me, but now that I saw it sitting there I couldn't help but go open it. It was my box. You know that box that every girl keeps with stuff from her old boyfriends. I gingerly open it and I'm instantly flooded with memories from the past. There's a lot more in here than I remembered. I pick through stuffed animals, cards, jewelry, pictures, all the typical things you'd expect to be in here. It's when the tears start to flood my eyes that I realize these stupid little things mean the world to me. I pick up a photo album and I see picture after picture of random body parts, occasionally there will be a picture with a whole face. I remember when these pictures were taken like it was yesterday.

"OK never have I ever had a threesome before" I giggled as I saw both Joey Chris and JC reach for a shot. We had been playing never have I ever for about half an hour we were on our third game and all of us were piss ass drunk

"Ok Ok Ok" Justin stammered "Never have I ever had sex with a guy"

"Hey not fair!!!! I'm the only girl here and you guys are all straight!!!" I protested, but it was no use

"Take the shot!!" All the guys yelled collectively

"Fine" I really didn't mind I was already so drunk one more shot wouldn't hurt. It was then I saw a pile of cameras sitting on the bed. I went to go pick one up and I threw one to each of the guys.

"I'm bored of this game time for a new one! You can't touch the floor and you have to take pictures of evryone. For every picture taken of your face you do a shot"

"Um Brit how are we gonna know when one is taken of our face?" Lance slurred while picking up his camera

"Duh 1 hour photo we'll know by tomorrow and we can do this all over again..... 1 2 3 GO!" The second I said go everyone was standing on the furniture and the cameras were going wild. When we were finally out of pictures it only took about 5 minutes before Chris took off about to puke, JC passed out and Joey and Lance went back to their rooms. Justin and I went back to our room with the full intent on having sex but after about 5 minutes of just innocent kissing and touching we both fell asleep half naked.

I put the photo album down and wiped away a tear. It's amazing how simple things used to be. I continue looking through the stuff and I pick up several cards sent to me. One was from Reg for Christmas it had a picture of cute little candies on the front and on the inside it said "Some sweets for my sweet on Christmas, Love Reg" It was corny but it was cute and it meant a lot at the time. The next one was from Justin. He had a picture taken of us on vacation made as the front picture and on the inside he wrote out "Britney, I know your birthday is still like 2 weeks away but we both know I won't be able to be there. It sucks but there's nothing we can do. I would move heaven and earth to get there and be with you but unfortunately the record company is bigger than those. I want you to know that I love you more than life. Every single day my love for you grows stronger. To be honest it kind of scares me a little. I'm only 20 and your only 19 but I can already see us getting married, having kids, everything. I want to be with you forever. It scares me but its the truth, its how I feel. I'm not proposing or anything so you can let out that deep breath your holding. I just wanted to tell you that. I know I've been acting wierd these past couple weeks but I just had to sort some stuff out and thats what I came up with. I love you Britney Jean Spears. I know we've said it before and meant it but I think I've just come to terms with how deep my love for you is. I'm really sorry I won't be there for your birthday baby but I'll be there in spirit and you can expect a call from me the exact minute you were born no matter what. Wait by the phone.... Love always, J"

I put the card down and reach for a tissue box. I'm crying and I can't help it, I want to stop I don't want to get upset over this stuff anymore. Its not fair. They are happy and over me and probably wouldn't shed a tear about me unless I died or got seriously close to it. With the tears still flowing I go back into the box and this time I find one of my old journals. I open up to a random page

Fuck him I hate REG JONESSS!!!!!!! God its really sad that practically all day I felt like shit about myself and wanted to stab myself in the face. No not the face the stomach i want to look pretty when i die.

I giggle at just how dramatic I was. I wasn't even that upset when Reg broke up with me. Besides I had Justin to pick up the pieces. I turn to another page.

Well it is safe to say that I Britney Spears have had my movie moment of the year. JUSTIN KISSED MEE!!!!! I'm not even kidding there were fireworks or atleast some kind of spark of electrical energy. If we hadn't been in a public place I'm pretty sure A LOT more would have happened....or atleast I wanted it to. God he is so perfect. How did I ever lead a life without him? That will remain a mystery even to me

What happened to me? I haven't been that happy or outgoing or anything in a really long time. Have I really lost sight of myself that much or have I just grown up? Either way I miss being like that. I spend the next fifteen minutes just going through that old journal looking at songs I wrote that never made it to cd's or even the studio, reading my stupid candid thoughts, about my days, whatever I found. I stopped crying somewhere in there and I even started laughing a little. I jumped when I heard Kevin come in and scrambled to put everything back in the box and then put it in the closet. I was just closing the door when he popped his head in.

"Hey babe foods here...wow don't I have perfect timing"

"Hahaha yea" I force myself to giggle but he notices

"You alright? You look like you've been crying" He genuinely looks concerned but we aren't getting into a discussion about this because I know that all we'll do is fight so I just lie

"I'm fine really" Thank God he doesn't push the issue"

"Alright I'll be downstairs with the food, the room looks great by the way"

" Thanks I'll be down in a sec" He closes the door and walks down stairs and I open the closet back up. I take one last glance at the things in the box before I close it up once again. Until next time, I have a fiancee who is waiting with lunch.