Lonely Sunday Morning
by Ing

I’ve watched him over the past year. Anything and everything in her life is news to him. It’s as if he is a part of it. I jokingly asked him once if her baby was really his. He only stared at me as if I were an alien with two heads. 

How was I supposed to take that? Was that a denial? Was he letting me know that I had nothing to worry about? I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. He’s there, she called and he went running to her. Every little problem she has she calls him with it. Every time Sean makes a first she calls him. I walked into his office and he had Sean on the computer video camera. She was no where in site but there was that chubby little baby crawling around on the floor. I could hear her in the background saying that he had started crawling that morning. When he heard me walk in her tried to hurry and turn off the monitor but I saw it, he knows I did. 

And he didn’t try to deny it or tell me that it was nothing. He smiled at me and told me he had to get back to work and asked me to get him another beer. And like a good girl I did just that, I turned around walked out of the room. I left him with his....whatever they are.

I walked into the bedroom and Sean was crawling across the floor. Britney was sitting on the floor with him. She had a smile on her face like I hadn’t seen in I don’t know how long. She doesn’t smile anymore. At least not for me. The only time she really smiles is when she’s on the phone with Jamie Lynn, or her mom and even though she doesn’t know I know when she’s on the phone with him.

He will call her cell phone, he’ll never call the house. And yes I’ve checked her cell’s outgoing calls, she has called him. Late at night when she thinks everyone is asleep or maybe when she’s up with Sean. I’ve been told that they meet for coffee during the week. He’s as big a part of her life now as he has ever been. Even more now than he was when I first came into the picture. I knew that after the wedding they had gotten closer but I ignored it, I mean he’s in a relationship himself. I’ve often suspected it, I even asked if Sean was really my son. She got angry and asked me how I could even think such a thing.

But under the circumstances could anyone really blame me. And then I notice it, the video camera is on. I hear her say that Sean started to crawl that morning. She didn’t tell me, it would have been very easy to pick up the phone and call me. But she chose not to, she is sharing that moment with someone else. And it doesn’t take much to realize who it is.

It is 1 o'clock in the morning and I hear my cell ringing in the distance. I quietly slip from under the sheets, trying not to awake Cameron whose lying next to me..I see it on the small table next to the closet and go to it before the person on the other end hangs. I knew who it is. For the past couple of months, I have been there for whenever she has needed me. To hear her joys. Her fears. It should be easy to do. I’ve done it before, stand back and watch everything pass by. What’s the saying, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Well I didn’t believe that until now. Now I know what I could have had, what could have been mine. What should have been mine. My mama tells me that he reminds her of me when I was a baby. The first time I heard that it was like someone had taken a knife to my chest. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t think. But I had to, because I know she didn’t mean it. And for God’s sakes my girlfriend was there. Sometimes I think she does things like that to rub it in her face. 

But the past few months have been so special. I’ve been a part of his life. Yes I know it’s been from afar, and I know it’s only been bits and pieces. But I’ve been there.

As I sit and watch Sean I know that the truth has to come out eventually. The older he gets the harder its going to be to keep things to myself. It will be even harder as he grows. Sean is looking more and more like his father. It hasn't really been a problem. I mean, Kevin and Justin have so many traits that are alike. I think that is the real reason that I was so attracted to him in the first place. He was the next best thing. I thought that the pain would go away but it only made it worst. And now look at my life. Things have gotten so much out of control. I don't know if I can continue to go on like this. Mama always preached to me about making rash decisions. And after the wedding in Vegas she was even more on my case about it. But I guess it really didn’t hit home. That one night that’s all it took. I’ll never regret it because now I have my son. That’s all I really ever wanted. Or is it? That’s when I realized that no matter what I tell myself, no matter how hard I try to keep this secret I’m only hurting the very people I’m hoping to protect. That’s why I’m sitting here at 1 o’clock in the morning, my cell phone in my hand about to do the one thing I swore I would never do. As he answers I can feel my heart beat, he’s talking about how cute Sean was today as he watched him crawl across the floor.

Small talk, talk to fill the time before I bring all of our worlds crashing down around us.