Long Slow Beautiful Dance
by Amanda

She takes in the activity taking place around her, struggling to hold back the tears as she sees the hugs, laughter and sobs of her castmates.  This is the first she’s tasted of loss and even though she’s only known these people for a few short months, she feels like they are her family.  And for a twelve year old, a few months can certainly feel like a lifetime. 

She’s so lost in the moment that she doesn’t even hear the music start to play around her or notice someone moving in beside her.  It’s not until she feels a warm hand in hers that she realizes she’s not alone.  She wipes at her eyes, hoping to hide her tears from her companion, before she turns her head and finds herself staring into the somber blue eyes of the boy who’s become her closest friend over the past few months.  He looks like she feels, sad . . . . . and lost.  She’s sure that he too doesn’t truly know how to deal with this moment.  How to deal with this loss.  It’s not like they thought they would be doing this forever, but that still doesn’t prepare you for the end.  Not this soon.

They speak no words, only staring at each other briefly, before he stands and begins to pull her toward the people in the middle of the room.  It’s only then that she realizes that in their goodbyes, her new friends are having one final dance.  This one unlike any they had on the show.  This one slow.

He places his hands tentatively on her hips and she moves hers to rest on his shoulders.  She’s nervous and she can tell from his eyes and stiff movements that he is too.  With all the dancing she’s done in her life, she’s never danced slowly with a boy holding onto her.  But it feels good.  He feels good.  And for a second, she doesn’t feel so sad.

When he takes a chance and slides his hands around the small of her back, she instinctively responds, pushing her body closer to his as she drapes her arms around his neck.  She places her weary head on his chest and listens to his labored breathing.  It’s at this moment that she realizes that what she feels for this curly haired southern boy is more than friendship.  It’s something she’s never felt before, like little butterflies flying around in the pit of her stomach.  She’s had crushes before but this she believes may be what love feels like. 

She relishes the moment, knowing what looms ahead.  She’ll have this moment at least and for right now, that’s what she’s going to have to take.  When the music stops, he steps back ever so slightly and takes both of her hands in his.  She can see the tears swelling in his baby blues and they immediately begin to resurface in hers as well.  And that’s when it happens.  So suddenly, softly, sweetly.  His lips brush over hers like a feather and her eyes flutter shut.  She stands this way for a few moments, letting everything sink in before she opens her eyes to him again. 

A tear slips down her cheek and he releases one of her hands to brush it off with his thumb.  Then he smiles nervously and whispers the one word she didn’t want to hear.  Goodbye.  She nods her head slowly, biting at her bottom lip as she tries to keep from crying. 

Now standing alone in the middle of the room, she watches as her first love walks out of her life forever.  It’s only then that she allows her tears to fall freely.

He never expected to see her again period.  And especially not here.  He knew his mother was bringing in a new girl to audition for the group but he never dreamed it was her.  And now, he’s not sure how to react.

She looks the same, but different.  She’s matured, a little taller and more developed.  But she still has those big brown eyes that he remembers so well.  She still has that infectious smile and that irresistible Louisiana accent.  It doesn’t take long for the forgotten feelings of a thirteen year old to come rushing back. 

He can hear the guys whispering around him as they sit against the wall of the dance studio and watch the girls on the floor.  They all know who the new girl is and that they obviously know each other but none know the extent of what their relationship was.  In truth, he’s not even sure what the extent of their relationship was.  After all, they were just kids and while that time was not really that long ago, it seems like forever in his mind.

As the hours fly by, he watches her every move, all the while knowing his own girlfriend is watching his.  When his mom and Lou finally call it a night, the guys run onto the floor and begin to jokingly dance around with the others.  He, however, stays still, finally acknowledging Veronica when she walks to him and tries to pull him on the dance floor.  When he resists, she glares at him angrily and heads out the door. 

She’s alone now.  Seemingly lost in the sea of strangers around her.  He watches as Lance tries to talk to her but he can see her shyness and insecurity kick in and she lowers her head and fidgets on her feet.  He guesses she hasn’t changed that much. 

It takes a few minutes for him to decide its time to rescue her from his bandmate so he tucks his hands nervously in his pockets and walks to her.  When she sees him, she smiles uneasily, obviously unsure of what his reaction to her will be.  He whispers a hello and then turns to laugh at the guys and girls dancing around them, hoping it will break some of the tension he feels between them. 

Then he does something that even surprises him.  He takes his hands from his pockets and takes her hands in his.  He can see the questions in her eyes but she starts to laugh and loosen up as he playfully spins her around.  When she’s facing him once again, he places his hands on her waist, just as he did the first time those years ago.  The first time he had ever slow danced with a girl. 

He’s now much taller than before and as he instinctively pulls her against him, he realizes how tiny she is, and how perfectly she fits into his arms.  He’s not sure what he’s doing, or what he’s feeling, but he knows that he likes it when she melts against him and begins to move. 

They both seem lost, but this time it’s not like before.  It’s not because they are leaving each other but because they’ve found each other once again.  They are lost in this moment.  In this dance.  In each other.  And while he believes that neither of them realizes what this means, he knows that it feels right to have her here.   

They dance slowly for a few moments before he notices the stares of the others in the room and he steps back and playfully spins her again.  When he dips her down, she begins to laugh and he knows she understands what he’s doing.  He’s making sure that he doesn’t make the new girl an enemy to the other girls on her first day.  After all, they are Veronica’s friends, not hers. 

When he sees his girlfriend enter the room, he smiles at the girl in front of him and lets her go.  He walks away and into the waiting arms of the girl he believes himself to love.  All the while, still thinking of the dance he just shared with the girl he first felt love for.

She’s hurt, she can’t help but be.  When Reg walked into the room today, she knew what she planned to do wouldn’t be easy.  However, she wasn’t prepared for the slicing words that would follow.  She knows that maybe she deserved some of them because she knows that he does love her.  But she also knows that she doesn’t love him and even more so, she knows that he doesn’t support what she’s doing.  Following her dream.

So he called her a slut.  A whore.  And just about every other hurtful name he could think of.  He hissed that he knew she was in love with that kid and that she had been cheating on him since she started touring with those guys.  And while she knew the cheating part wasn’t true, she wasn’t so sure about the love thing.  She hasn’t been very sure about anything in regards to him since they started to find their friendship again when she made her first trip to Orlando a while ago.  And once this tour started and his relationship with Veronica ended, she was even more confused about what she was feeling.  The only thing she did know for certain was that she had to end things with Reg.  So she did and then stood and took the words she knew he was speaking out of desperation.  By the time he stormed out of the dressing room, she was in tears . . . . and alone.

She sits back against a table covered with food and hangs her head as her tears stream down her face and onto her shirt.  And when she hears a soft rap on her door, she doesn’t acknowledge it.  She knows it’s him.  She knows he wants to hear that she’s alright and while she knows that she is, she still can’t keep from crying. 

She doesn’t move when he opens the door and begins to walk quickly to her.  She expects him to whisper some calming words and tell her that she did the right thing, that she’s young and Reg was just pulling her down.  But he doesn’t.  Instead, he brings her into his arms without a word and places his hand on the back of her head.  Her head falls to his chest and she cries into his shirt. 

Then he lets his arms fall to her back and he pulls her close to him.  She slips her arms around his neck and he begins to move her body with his.  There is no music, no words, nothing, but yet they stand in the room, slowly dancing.  She knows that this is his way of comforting her.  This is his way of letting her know that he’s there and that he cares. 

She’s stopped crying by the time he moves one arm up around her neck and places a gentle kiss on her temple.  A friendly kiss she believes but it still doesn’t stop the butterflies from tickling her stomach.  She’s so caught up in fighting those butterflies that she doesn’t even notice how he allows the kiss to linger longer than it really should have.

So she smiles when he steps away and tells her that she’s gonna be fine and that there are thousands of people out there waiting to see her.  She thinks he’s just being nice because she knows they are really there to see them . . . . and most just him. 

But as she watches him turn and leave the room, she still feels the butterflies. 

. 

He watches her across the room as she pretends not to focus on him being there.  It’s what she’s supposed to be doing.  Ignoring him.  Johnny made it clear to both of them that they were not to be in contact at this party.  The media would be all over it and he had had enough trouble battling the constant romance rumors already. 

They had told him, but likely not convinced him, that the rumors were just that.  Rumors.  They were just friends.  Close friends.  But he knows that virtually everyone knows that they are more than that. 

But he also knows that revealing her as more than that right now would likely be a mistake.  His fans are brutal and the thought of their reaction to her hurts him.  It’s not them that he worries about, it’s her.  He knows they will always love him and that they will never love her.  That’s why Robbie is here tonight.  On her birthday.  To try and convince his fans that she’s not his girlfriend. 

It bothers him.  More than he’ll ever really admit.  He knows that behind closed doors, she is all his.  But hurts that in public, she is anything but.  All because of who they are and what is at stake.

He finds her eyes through the crowd and can see the hurt and longing in them.  This isn’t right and he knows it.  How can he possibly ignore her when all he wants is to be with her.  So when he sees her walking upstairs, he can’t help but follow even though he knows that Johnny is watching him do so.

He walks behind her and places his hands on her hips, telling by her reaction that she knows it is him.  She turns to face him, a huge smile taking over her face and he instantly pulls her against him.  The music that has been blaring throughout the club all night changes its rhythm at the perfect time and he wraps her fully in his arms, fully aware of the cameras that are likely catching the moment for prosperity.  Right now, all he cares about is the girl in his arms and making sure she has a wonderful birthday.  She deserves it with all of the highs and lows she’s endured over the past year.  He doesn’t want this night to be another low. 

He doesn’t know what song is playing.  It doesn’t matter.  He just hugs her as tightly as he can as they sway to the music.  He feels her gently lift her head and kiss his cheek before returning to her normal position.  He moves his hand up and down her back, rubbing it ever so softly and then begins to nudge his head to hers, every few seconds, turning to kiss in her hair.  They are one with the music, moving slowly in the small space provided to them.  And when it ends he pulls back and places a kiss on her lips.  Where it should be. 

He’s not thinking about Johnny, the guys or his fans.  Only her.  And when he looks into those deep brown eyes, he finally knows the one thing he’s suspected for a while now.  He puts his lips to her ear and whispers the words that he’s never said to any other girl. 

He loves her. 

She stares down at the bright lights of the city below thinking she’s not ever seen anything so beautiful.  She knows it’s not really the city, but the moment that’s making everything turn golden . . . . and perfect, right now. 

She knows there are many boxes laying inside that she should be unpacking now but she can’t help but relish this moment.  A moment she wasn’t sure would ever happen.  The past couple of years seem like a rollercoaster to her.  One that’s moved so fast that she can barely remember every twist and turn along the way. 

But she remembers him.  His head against hers as they took pictures together for the first time at the VMA’s.  His hand in hers as he led her onstage to sing happy birthday during his tour.  His arm around her shoulders before they walked out onto the court for Challenge and along the beaches of Hawaii.  She smiles to herself as she thinks about his very public displays of affection, something he believed he needed to do after hiding their love for so long.  His words of defense to his own fans, letting him know their boos wouldn’t change anything.  His wearing of a simple JT & BS shirt to start the Pop Odyssey tour.  The way he beams when he watches her perform . . . . whether on tour or on an awards show.  And the professions of love and affection in articles everywhere.  She remembers it all. 

And as she looks out over the city, she remembers the times that are even more special.  Those they shared in private.  The long talks.  The quiet trips.  She thinks of the first time he told her he loved her those years ago and the first time they made love not so long ago. 

And now, another step.

She feels his presence even before he slips his arms around her waist and begins to nibble on her ear.  She giggles as he does so and then grows quiet when he pulls her against him and they both stare out at the view from their new home.  Theirs.

They remain this way for a few minutes and then he pulls away.  She feels cold with his warmth removed and turns to find him standing at the lone table they’ve moved onto the balcony.  He’s placed a cd player on it and smiles at her before he pushes play.

She takes a few steps and meets him midway without a word, falling into his arms as Luther Vandross’ voice fills her ears.  Her arms are under his with her hands raised up to clutch his shoulders.  His hands rest lightly on the small of her back.  They’ve perfected their dances over the past few years but each time, it feels new to her.  She always feels the butterflies when she’s against him and she knows that she always will. 

They move together in what she believes will be the first of many dances on this balcony, under this starlit sky.  They have no need to speak any words, they already know what the other is saying. 

And they sway and move for minutes . . . maybe hours, until Luther’s voice disappears and she falls asleep in his arms.

He knows she is upset as she sits next to him at some unknown club in this city he doesn’t care to be in right now.  He’s seen it in her eyes all day, as she watched him get ready in his dressing room, as she watched him onstage from the VIP section during the concert.  He knows she’s scared.  He knows she’s confused.  But he also knows that he has nothing to say that will ease any of it. 

He’s felt the distance growing between them, something he was sure would never happen.  He’s not even sure why it is happening or how to stop it.  All he knows is that he doesn’t want to lose her, but he feels like he is. 

The word is out about his solo project.  His new publicist has been taking up much of his time and the rest of it seems to be spent in the studio with Pharrell or someone else and then before he realizes it, he’s leaving for what he quietly believes will be his final tour with the guys.  Somewhere along the way, he knows that he slowly began losing her.  It may have been on her birthday when he didn’t make it to see her and she ended up spending the night in Atlantic City with her family and Wade and having O-Town sing her happy birthday instead of him.  It may have been when he spent most of New Years Eve planning out interviews on the phone with Ken and forgetting about her.  It may have been any time.

It’s not what he wants and he knows that she knows that.  He also knows that he’s not letting go right now.  He can’t, even when deep down, he thinks he should.  Their timing isn’t right and staying together is only making them resent each other more.  But he loves her and he can’t see himself without her and that’s what is keeping him holding on right now.

She stands up and grabs onto his hand, pulling him onto the dance floor without any trouble.  She has barely spoken to him all night but he hasn’t tried to make it any better.  Though he’s wanted to.  So when she wraps her arms around his neck and rests her head on his chest, he readily accepts it.  He leans his head down, resting it atop hers.  He pulls her as close to him as he can, so close he feels like he is barely breathing.  They move slowly, relishing every second of this dance. 

In the back of his mind he can’t help but feel like this is the last time he will dance with her in his arms.  It’s the last time she will listen to his heartbeat while wrapped in his arms.  Though he wants to deny it, he thinks she knows it too.  That’s why she stays wrapped around him even after the music has stopped. 

When she finally does release him, he watches her wipe the tears from her eyes and turn and walk out the door. 

He knows that tomorrow she will leave for Europe.  She will leave him.  And in his heart, he honestly doesn’t know what the future holds for them.

But he loves her.

She sits at the table, her head resting in her hand as she stirs the ice around in the drink in front of her.  She can hear her friends laughing and partying around her and she wishes that she could feel that carefree right now. 

This is supposed to be her New Years Eve.  The start of her new year.  Her new life.  A life without a husband.  Without Kevin.  Laura Lynn planned it all, making sure her mother would watch Sean while she and the girls took her out to celebrate her newfound, and much needed, independence. 

She knows she’ll be fine.  After all, he’s basically been out of her life for ten months now even though the divorce wasn’t finalized until yesterday.  In those ten months, she’s realized that she was better off without him and more importantly, she didn’t need him to be able to raise her son.  But still, she can’t help but feel a little insecure.  The past few years she’s made a bevy of bad mistakes.  She can only hope she doesn’t make any more.  For Sean’s sake more than hers. 

Courtney pulls her arm, breaking her from her self loathing and she realizes that the countdown to the new year has begun.  Someone pushes a glass of champagne in her hand as the numbers go down and before she knows it, she’s being showered in confetti and pulled into hugs by all of her friends. 

It’s while in a hug with Laura Lynn that she sees him.  Standing across the room, his baby blue eyes locked solely on her as the celebration goes on around him.  She doesn’t remember the last time she’s truly looked at him.  Years likely.  While they’ve been at the same event a handful of times since the end of their relationship, they’ve never acknowledged each others existence at all. 

But he looks the same.  Like he always did when he was hers.  A little older, likely a lot wiser, but still the same.  She silently wonders if he’s here alone.  She’s known of his split with Cameron, as has the whole world, for months now.  But she silently doubts he’s spending New Years Eve without a date.  Unlike her.

Before she realizes it, the girls have moved onto dancing to Auld Lang Syne with some random guys and she’s standing alone in the middle of the dance floor.  She pushes a piece of hair behind her ear and pulls her gaze from his.  She puts her champagne glass on the tray of a passing waiter and then turns to try to make her way back to the safety of her seat.  

But she doesn’t get far.  Instead, she feels herself being pulled into his all too familiar embrace.  She closes her eyes as he begins to move her around the dance floor.  She blows at a piece of confetti as it lands on her nose and she hears him laugh softly.  In an instant, she begins to feel something she hasn’t for a long time.  That feeling of butterflies in the pit of her stomach. 

She feels his hands tentatively move behind her back and she wonders if he’s thinking she will eventually push him away.  She’s wondering it as well.  But she doesn’t and she’s not sure why.  Maybe it’s the alcohol she’s been drinking since she got here but right now, the only place she wants to be is in the arms of the man who left her life so long ago.  It just feels right.

She melts into him, not allowing herself to remember all of the pain and anger that exists between them.  And when she puts her head against his chest, she can hear the music of his heartbeat.  Something she never thought she’d ever hear again.  Something that before, she wasn’t sure if she really ever wanted to hear again.

And they dance, holding each other like the previous few years never happened, long after Auld Lang Syne ends and other songs begin.  She feels something that only he has ever made her feel and she struggles to put it out of her mind.  After all, it’s just a dance and he’s likely just as tipsy as she is. 

And as it ends, he lightly kisses her cheek and wishes her a happy new year.  And before long, she’s pulled back into the celebration with her friends as he goes back to the other side of the room with his. 

But she can’t help but notice that there is no woman with him.  He’s alone and he spends the rest of the night watching her.

As she does him.

He never dreamed this day would ever happen.  While he’s thought about it before, many many times in his lifetime, he never truly believed it would ever become reality.  Especially not with her. 

He leans down and places a kiss on top of the head of the child standing beside of him.  He then walks across the room and takes her hand, leading her outside and away from everyone else.  They are alone now.  The way he’s wanted to be since he watched with tear filled eyes as she walked down the aisle toward him today.  He had started crying the second he saw Sean walking toward him, a pillow with two rings atop it balancing in his hands.  He didn’t stop crying until they walked hand in hand into the reception and began to receive the hugs and wishes of their close family and friends. 

But now they’re alone and the tears start to well up once again.  She smiles up at him and wipes them away with the pads of her thumbs and then pulls him against her.  Her arms clasp around his back and he snakes his own through hers as they hold each other. 

He can barely hear the music playing inside but he doesn’t care.  They are dancing the way they have always danced.  To each other.  He knows it’s the only way he wants to dance for the rest of his life.  He knows that nothing feels better than having her in his arms, especially as his wife. 

He doesn’t know how long they’ve been moving together when he feels raindrops start to fall on his head.  He looks up just as it starts to pour continuously but he doesn’t move and neither does she.  Instead, she just laughs and pulls him closer.  They keep dancing, keep holding each other, even as her hair falls down and sticks to her face and her dress starts to became caked with dirt as it drags on the wet cement floor.  He looks down at her soaking wet figure and can’t remember a time that she’s ever looked more beautiful. 

So he pulls her against him again and continues their dance as the rain falls all over them.  He silently hopes that the old prophecy is right and that rain on your wedding day is a sign of good luck.  Not that he needs it anymore.  He’s had and lost her twice before and luck has brought her back both times.  That or fate.  Either way, he’ll take it.

He pulls her back slightly and kisses her softly before bringing he head to rest on his chest again.  It’s then that he notices the people standing at the windows to the building, all watching as they dance in the rain. 

At the front, with a smile beaming from ear to ear, is his stepson. 

As he smiles back, he can’t think of a time he’s ever been happier.  He knows his life is complete.

She watches him across the room, sitting in his chair and reading as he does every night.  Every day, she seems to notice a new wrinkle on his face, or on hers, but she still believes him to grow more handsome with each one.  She guesses that’s what love does.  It makes you blind to all the imperfections.  Or maybe it makes you realize that those imperfections are what makes you love that person. 

She glances around the room.  Her old eyes resting on each picture that surround the room for a few seconds.  Some of their son, Sean.  Some of their daughter, Brynn.  Others of family and more of their grandchildren.  Some are old, others new.  Her favorite though is the one that started it all.  It was taken many years ago, but to her, it seems like yesterday.  On the first day of rehearsal for MMC.  As she glances at the picture and then back at the others, she can’t help but bask at what has come from their love.  All of this. 

From the corner of her eye, she can see him looking at her now and when she turns to meet his gaze, he smiles softly and then returns to his reading.  It astonishes her that to this day, she still sees the love in his eyes that she’s always really seen, even when she tried to ignore it. 

She thinks about those years often.  The ones when they were young and just discovering their love and each other.  The years where they ignorantly thought everything was perfect and nothing would ever change.  She thinks about Kevin and sees him every now and then, when he’s with Sean or his children.  She doesn’t hate him, nor has she ever, because she realized long ago that he was a step in her life that would eventually lead her back to her true love.  And without him, she wouldn’t have Sean.

She remembers that fateful New Years Eve and his nervous call to her the next night, asking her to take a chance with him once again and go on a date.  She thinks she knew then that they would be together forever.  Nobody goes through what they did to not.  She remembers their perfect, wet wedding and all the emotions that flowed through her that day.  

But it’s the years after that that she remembers the most.  Those where they realized that life and love aren’t perfect but that if you truly love someone, you can make it through it.  They laughed together and cried together.  They grew old together.  And more in love than ever.

She’s still lost in those wonderful memories when she sees an old, weathered hand reach out to her.  She takes it without question and slowly pushes her body from the chair.  She places one arm behind his back as he does the same to her, keeping one hand clasped together.  They begin to move through the quiet room, her head placed perfectly on his chest as they dance another dance. 

She listens to his heart beat as she always does, losing herself in it . . . . in him.  And as they sway to the music that is theirs and only theirs, she thinks back to all of their other dances and all of the ones still to come.