To Have Loved and Lost
SS by Chris

**Justin’s pov**

There is an old saying that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all…well we’ll just see about that.

I have had some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with one woman.  Yet, I have also had some of the most painful experiences with that same woman.

The happy memories are so easy to remember.  I still remember most of them like they were yesterday. 

The day she reentered my life:

“Guys, I would like to introduce you to your new opening act, Miss Britney Spears,” Johnny said opening the door.

And there she was, the girl who stole my heart at the age of 12.  I knew right then that she would be the one that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.  She was so beautiful.  She hadn’t changed that much, but she had grown only more beautiful to me.  She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. 

Everybody crowed around her, but me.  I just stayed in the back and waited for my turn to say hello.  Finally, everybody turned to me and she and I just stared at one another. 

“Hi Justin,” she said in the sweetest Southern accent.

“Hi Britney.  How are you doing?”  I stumbled.  I didn’t really say it smoothly, but it came out nonetheless.

“You two know each other,” Johnny asked both of us.

“Yeah, we were on the Mickey Mouse Club together with JC,” she said so softly. 

I was so mesmerized by her stunning beauty that I didn’t even notice Joey walking behind me.  The next thing I remember was him yelling in my ear and scaring the shit out of me.

Everybody was laughing including Britney.  I was so mad, but the more I thought about it even I started to laugh as well. 

Unfortunately she was rushed away as soon as she arrived, but I knew that she wouldn’t be going anywhere for some time to come.  I knew that this was my opportunity to win the girl of my heart.

Our First Date:

We weren’t really a couple yet, but we really were starting to feel like it.  We would talk to each other once a day at least and we hung out together all the time when we weren’t performing or working in some capacity.

Our first date was nothing to special, but it was definitely a night to remember.

First, I remember burning dinner, before she arrived.  I was so nervous.  What really sucked was that it stunk up the apartment bad.  So, I had to think quickly, and fortunately for me I found some old potpourri that my mom had kept at my apartment and I lit it to get rid of the smell.  I worked, thank god.

When she arrived, I almost fell trying to get to the door.  I wasn’t a pretty sight thankfully, she didn’t see it.  Then when I opened the door and got my first look at her, I my jaw fell open.  She looked so beautiful. 

“Wow, you look…”I couldn’t find the right word, but then it came, “amazing.”

I could see her start to blush.  “Thanks,” she said as I led her to the living room.  I always had the ability to make her blush at any time I wanted.  I loved to make her blush, when it was least appropriate.  She would get so mad sometimes, but it was just too funny.

Anyway, dinner went well.  It was pizza.  We talked and talked for what seemed like hours.  We talked about everything, for her and my career to our families, to what we wanted for the future.  It was amazing how much of the same stuff that we wanted for ourselves. 

The best part however came when she was about to leave.

“I had a great time Justin,” she said turning around after exiting the door.

“So did I.  Maybe we could do it again sometime.”

Then she leaned back towards me and kissed me on the cheek. 

“Maybe,” and then she turned around and left.

I was so excited that she had kissed me that I almost forgot to close the front door.  I was already in the living room before I remembered that I didn’t close the door.  It was such a special kiss.  Nothing spectacular, but short and sweet.  I knew from that moment on that we would be together forever.

Hawaii:

Oh Hawaii.  Hawaii was so much fun.  We felt so free.  The time that we spent there was the most fun that we had together at one time.  It was so liberating to be able to be in public with her and not have to worry what people were going to say.  It was so great to have her there to be with me. 

“Justin, this is beautiful,” she said when she walked into the hotel suite for the first time.  I had vanilla candles lit everywhere.  Roses were all over the place.  I think that there were roses coming out of the ceiling there were so many roses, but she loved it and that is all that mattered. 

“Only the best for you baby, you know that,” I said walking up behind her and kissing her neck.

“You’re wonderful, do you know that,” she said turning around so that she could kiss me on the lips.

“So I’ve been told, but I do everything to make you happy.  You being happy makes me happy.  I love you Britney.”

“I love you too J,” she said pulling close to me.

We hadn’t had sex yet, but I didn’t care.  Being with her was better than anything else no matter what.  She was everything to me, and she is all that matter the whole time that we were in Hawaii.  Everything was done to make her smile.  That smile I knew would be the end of me one day, but I didn’t care as long as it was on her beautiful face I didn’t care.

Unfortunately, everything came crashing down.  While the good memories bring an endless amount of joy to me.  The bad ones bring a great deal of pain with them

I guess it all started when we were apart for the longest period ever.  It just happened to work that she would be on the opposite side of the country and even an ocean for about two months, before I would get to see her again.  That did an incredible amount of damage to us.  All the rumors that were flying about both of us and the fact that we weren’t with one another really hurt both us.

The Arguments over stupid stuff:

“Justin, I thought that you coming home today,” she said.  We were talking over the phone as usual and as it had been lately, it was turning into an argument over the phone.  I hated this.  I hated arguing with her over the phone, so I did what I thought would be the smart thing and end the conversation before we said things that we didn’t mean.

“Britney we talked about this.  I told you that I wouldn’t make it home this weekend.  Look, I don’t want to argue with you.  I’m tired and I would really like to get some sleep.  I love you and all see you soon.  I promise,” and I hung up. 

Big mistake. 

I kept my promise and was home by Tuesday, but she wouldn’t talk to me.

“Brit, I’m home baby,” I said as I walked through the door. 

Nobody answered.  I made sure and looked in the garage to see if her car was here.  It was so I knew that she was home.  I went upstairs to the bedroom, she wasn’t there.  I looked through the whole house calling for her, before I found her sitting at the piano playing.

I walked up behind her, figuring that she just didn’t hear me.  As soon as I started to kiss her neck, she got up and walked away without saying anything.  I was shocked.  I hadn’t been home and she was already mad at me.

“Britney, what’s the matter,” I said following her.

I finally caught up with her and she was putting on her shoes.

“Hey, what’s the matter baby.”  But again, she just walked right past and didn’t say anything.

“What the fuck Britney.  I haven’t been home long enough for you to be mad at me,” I yelled at her. 

“Oh, so you think that just because you come home that I’m going to talk to you after you hung up on me the other day.  Well go fuck yourself,” she yelled back and then left.

She was still pissed about me hanging up and avoid yet another twenty minute argument that would have ended the same way anyway, with one of us hanging up on the other. 

It took almost three days to finally get her to talk to me without us yelling at each other.  What really sucks is that it only got worse.

Our Final date:

Our final date, now that was something to forget.

It started so nice, but it didn’t last long.

We went to dinner, but we didn’t talk through much of it.  And when we did talk, it was about stupid stuff like the weather or something minuscule like that.

Then we went to a club and that is where the fireworks started.

“I’ll have a beer and she’ll have a cosmopolitan,” I said to the waitress.

“Come on let’s go dance,” I said extending my hand to her.  She got up, but she didn’t take my hand and walked to the dance floor without me by her. 

We danced for a couple of songs, but when the slow dance song came on, she had to leave to use the bathroom.  I took that opportunity to go and get another beer.

I was talking to the bartender and waiting for my drink and hers when I spotted her talking to some guy off in the corner.  She seemed to be laughing at something he was whispering in her ear.  Then she took his hand and walked out onto the dance floor with him.  The jealousy within me was boiling over.  I couldn’t stand it when the other dancers with her would be touching her, and now here she was walking onto the dance floor with some stranger while I’m waiting for her.  I snapped.

I walked over to get a better view and then I watched his hand roam down her body with such a slow pace.  It was like he was trying to memorize every curve of her body and she was letting him.  Hell, she was grinding her hips into him.  I had enough and then I did something that I’m still not too proud of.

I walked over, grabbed her arm, and pulled her away from him.  Then I dropped him with a right cross to the head. 

“Justin, what the fuck are you doing,” she yelled at me as I pulled her out of the club.

“What the fuck I am doing?  What the fuck was that Britney?  What the fuck were you doing with that guy?”  I yelled back

“I was just dancing Justin, that is what you do at a dance club isn’t it,” she yelled and then she walked off.  I started after her, but then Mike pulled me away and led me in a different direction.  

Mike knew me so well.  I knew that I would never hurt her physically, but he wasn’t so sure that I wouldn’t say something that I would regret later.  He always protected me, even if it meant from myself.

Anyway, we didn’t see each other the rest of the night.  I didn’t go back to the house and she left early the next morning. 

That was our last date.  We broke up a couple of weeks later.

I was so hurt, but the way that our relationship ended that, the only thing on my mind was some kind of revenge.  That is where Cry Me a River comes in.

I asked her permission to do it, and she said okay, but that was before she had seen it.

Our Last Conversation:

I mailed her a copy of Cry Me a River after we released it.  I knew that I owed that to her.  I knew that she wouldn’t be happy with it, but I didn’t really care at that point in time.  Sure enough, she called a couple of days after I mailed it.

“Hello,” I said answering my cell

“What the fuck are you trying to do to me.  Are you trying to ruin me?  Cause you’re dong a damn good job of it,” she yelled into the phone

“Whoa, what the fuck are you talking about?”  I yelled back

“You know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.  How could you Justin?  How could you?”

“You’re the one that broke it off.  Plus you said that I could do it.  So, don’t go giving me that how could you Justin, bullshit.  You’re just as responsible for this as I am, but it hurts doesn’t it.  Now you know what it feels like to be betrayed by the one you love,” I yelled.  I regretted it the second that it came out of my mouth, but it was too late.

She started crying into the phone, and that killed all the anger that I felt towards her, but it was too late.  There was nothing that I could do.

“Well, Justin good luck in your life.  I don’t ever want to talk to you again,” and she hung up.

That was the last time that I talked to my baby girl.  I haven’t heard from her since.  Granted I haven’t called her either, so I guess that I shouldn’t complain too much.  If I want to know what is going on with her I call her mom.  She stills talks to me, but I made her promise not to tell Britney, because Britney would get so mad at her and I couldn’t have that on my conscious.  Yeah, I seen her performances and heard her interviews, but there is always something lacking from them.  There isn’t that twinkle in her eyes anymore.  I took that away from her.  She took that away from me.  We both said and did some really mean things to each other.  Me more so than her recently, but it doesn’t matter now.  She is gone and I’ll never get her back.