Loud and Clear
SS by Danielle

“It’s amazing of what can be heard when you say nothing at all”


There was an accident. A bad one… In the middle of the highway. The vehicles flipped, colliding against each other, causing blood to appear on the car windows.

The car roof caved in, smashing down on them. Screams could be heard, but they seemed so far away. The destruction can be seen from a distance. You’re numb with shock. And it’s only you, talking to yourself, looking at the chaos around you before closing your eyes.

A blackout occupied the vision of the victims along with a sudden silence.

Every one is surrounding me. Faces covered with hands. They are sobbing; I could tell by the way their bodies limp over and shake.

I try to speak, but my voice is useless. I wish to be heard, to be noticed. I don’t even know where I am.

My eyes then land on the TV set hanging from the ceiling. I can see the sun shining in through the large windows, bouncing off the white bedroom walls. A distinct smell enters my nose.

I stare at the ceiling with this disturbing thought…I am in a hospital.

Lying down on this hospital bed, I yearn for a recognizable face.

My mother fulfills my request as I see her face in my view. The hole in my stomach which carries fear and confusion is covered with love when she smiles at me. She begins to speak to me…only I can’t hear her.

Her lips are moving, but I fail to take in her voice. It’s like I am viewing her in mute

This can’t be happening. Why can’t I hear her? I am terribly confused. I need her to tell me what went wrong, to hold me because I have never felt this scared before.

And I can’t talk. I keep trying to move these lips, but it’s hopeless. My tongue fails to help me speak. I don’t understand this…what has happened to me?

My mother is crying now. I think she gave up speaking to me because it was pointless…she knows something I don’t and it’s killing me. I want to wipe away her tears, so I lift up a hand up to touch her face. But this action never takes place.

Oh shit, why can’t I move? I want to move my arm, but I am unsuccessful. I become hysterical with fear as I realize how completely dysfunctional I am.

I can’t hear. Utter silence holds my hearing in a prison.
And my voice, my greatest possession is gone. The instrument that has made me a brilliant singer has disappeared. I don’t think it has completely settled in my mind yet because it’s too shocking. I can’t grasp this as reality.

This is just a dream…it has to be.

Five hours has passed. I had a perfect view of the clock so I counted every second. I want to wake up now…why can’t this be over? Somebody needs to wake me up…please?

A nurse enters my room. She walks towards the bed and adjusts my head to fiddle with something attached to my neck. I don’t know what the hell she is doing.

I feel relieved to have my head moved to this view. I can now see the Television hanging from the ceiling. I feel thankful to see it turned on.

CNN…the news channel is staring back at me. I couldn’t hear the reporter’s words, of course, so I read the headlines on the bottom of the screen.

“Justin Timberlake hospitalized after being the victim of a head on collusion…”

It leaves me breathless. If I had the ability to speak, I would have yelled out a wrangled cry. I would have wept if I was capable of shedding tears.

The last thing I remember doing is getting inside that car. I can recall the piercing screams…I can see a few pieces of the still images from the accident, but it’s like looking into a hazy window. My memory fails to remember the destruction that has destroyed me.

I want to go to sleep, close my eyes, so I won’t have to see the news anymore. It’s a hassle to not have any control over your own body. It’s as if I am trapped inside myself…I envy this…please…some one needs to help me.

I can’t shut my eyes…it’s fucking ridiculous to have your eyes take up a mind of its own, deciding when it is time close. This anger is ripping through me, and I don’t think I can take it anymore.

For the first time, I am utterly alone. It is daunting to live with only yourself as your friend. I ache to be loved. Some one needs to love me…I don’t want to die like this.

My mother comes to see me. I smile inside…in complete blithe to see her face. She leans in to give me a kiss. Even though I can’t feel it, I can still relish in her love for me. From the corner of my eye, I can see her sit down on the chair beside me. No longer could I see her face, and it disappoints me.

Cameron walks in. I become astonished by her presence.

She’s here…. And she’ll be helping me every step of the way. She knows what I need. Her gorgeous eyes bore into mine, and I can tell that she had been crying.

She tries her best to smile. Her lips then start moving…doesn’t she know that I can’t hear her? All I can understand is the word “Justin” which she mouths perfectly. I don’t need her talking to me.

I need her lips to give me just one kiss…any sign to show me that she still loves me...still wants to be with me when I am this way. I might not feel a touch or a kiss, but I can still feel love.

Cameron breaks into tears in front of me. Her face wrinkles in sorrow, and all I can do is watch. These arms of mine can’t comfort her. My mother comes into view and holds her.

She pulls back from my mother’s embrace and starts talking through her tears. I know I can’t hear her, but I already know what she is doing by the way her lips mouth ‘I am sorry’ countless of times.

She can’t love me when I am like this, and who can blame her? She rushes out of the room, leaving me with a new injury…a paralyzed heart.

I never saw her again.

The guys came to visit me. They didn’t know how happy this made me feel. It felt good to be in the same room with them again. All of them had the same expression on their faces. I could see Chris struggling with his tears as he sees me. Joey takes a long look at me before closing his eyes. He didn’t like seeing me this way.

JC and Lance are by either side of my bed, talking to me. I wish I could tell them to stop. It’s irritating to see them speaking to me when I am deaf.

I try to move my lips because I want to make an attempt to talk, but this tongue of mine lies in a numb state inside my mouth.

I am only left with is this clear vision that my eyes still possess, and these endless thoughts floating freely around me, over flooding my mind. 

As they all exit to leave, I can see them talking to each other. Lips are moving with their hands in motion while they speak with out any restraint.

I watch this scene before in deafness, realizing that my life has turned into a silent movie.

I have grown immune to this pattern; my eyes closing at a certain time each night, then opening at a specific time each morning. I have a perfect view of the clock every time I go to sleep, allowing me to know this piece of information.

When the nurse comes in, she does that little adjustment to my neck and I still don’t what the hell she is doing. Her hands move my head to face the television, which my mother has turned on to entertain herself. I sometimes see the day time soap operas she likes to watch or sometimes she puts on the news.

Today was likely to be the same routine. I don’t know how I managed to stay alive through all this. I am dead to the world, completely useless…but my mother seems to be hanging on to me, hoping for a miracle.

When night settles in, I become insane.

I am screaming, but no one hears…only me. I can’t stand this solitude. I am sick of talking to myself.

A prison cell has been creating around, and inside here, it is completely dark.

I live here; grieving as time goes by…I stay awake wanting to be free.

The next day, I am staring at the television.

I don’t know how long it has been since the accident. It could have been weeks…or maybe months? I refuse to ponder down any further.

A familiar face appears on the screen. It’s that beautiful southern girl posing for the cameras. It is likely to be a new cover for a magazine. I wonder if she has heard about me, if she is thinking about me now like I am thinking of her, or if she aches for me like I do for her.

She gives the camera man a seductive smile as the scarf she wears keep her precious naked breast hidden. It’s not surprising how she can still captivate me.

I see her face vanish before my eyes. In an instant she is gone, and I am stuck inside this darkness again. I wanted to see her again, to feel myself wake up every time I watch her on that screen. I decided that I wouldn’t want her to see me this way…it’s better for her to stay away.

I haven’t seen my mother in six hours, and it’s the longest I have been with out her ever since this has happened to me.

I don’t like being alone. I don’t like staying in this room with this sterile smell that is clogging up my throat. I am beginning to notice all these tubes leading inside this body of mine. I need a distraction, but I can’t stop looking down at myself. I can’t help but stare at the hospital blankets covering me because some asshole positioned me this way…I have no choice but to stay like this.

My head is finally placed back down. I can see the whole room from this view now and I suddenly notice my dad beside me. He probably moved me to look at him.

He’s smiling at me. I want to smile back, but it’s physically impossible. He starts talking to me, causing my interest to diminish. I envy this action every one possesses.

I can’t hear him, but he doesn’t seem to know that. It’s the same with every visitor.

Trace comes shortly after my dad leaves. He’s wearing a cap along with an old shirt of mine and baggy jeans. My best friend stares at me blankly before leaving out of the room with his head hung down. He can’t seem to bare it.

I can understand if I have become a bore. I wouldn’t want to be around me either.

I feel abandoned, and for the first time there is no one to run to.

My mother comes in the room crying, and this doctor is in tow with these papers in his hands. He puts a hand on her shoulder to try to console her as she shakes and sobs into her hands. I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy when I see him touch her. I should be the one comforting her, but I am not much of a son to her anymore.

I am not much of anything when I am helpless. I am starting to wonder if I would be better off dead…but…no. no…I shouldn’t think of such a thing. I need to stay alive.

My mother stayed up with me all night. I watched her sitting on the chair, staring at the television with red eyes. She stopped crying, but the tears were still evident on her face. She hasn’t looked at me once, since she came into the room. So I keep waiting for her attention.

Her eyes finally reach mine. She smiles before her lips start moving…she was talking to me. Don’t speak to me anymore! I scream out these words but no one hears me. My mother doesn’t even touch me. I keep staring at her hands wandering when they were going to hold mine. She only talks, and I only stare at her with muffled ears. 

I couldn’t stay awake to watch her any longer.

When I woke up, Mom was gone.

I am staring at the ceiling, wondering where she could be. She knows I hate being alone. And yet, she still chooses to leave me.

These voices keep talking inside my head. They continue to grow louder. I can’t control it, and it is sending me into a pool of paranoia. I don’t want to hear myself anymore… I begin to grow tired. My eyes start to droop, but then become alert when my head is suddenly moved, telling me that some one is here with me.

A face comes into view. The sun illuminates Britney’s face, causing a glow to form around her. For a moment, I am not able to breath. Her lips contain a small smile…she’s so beautiful. Her brown eyes hold a sparkle as they stare into mine. I notice how her hands cup my face gently, moving my head so I am able to stare at her. She isn’t a dream, I know that for sure.

She continues to stare at me, and I am surprised that she hasn’t left yet like the others. Instead, she crawls into this hospital bed, occupying the space beside me. Her hands pull my head down to look at her. Outside, I am still, frozen to the bone.

But inside, it’s completely different. She is turning me on with her sudden closeness. The darkness inside my head lightens up with numerous sparks. Laughter and music fills my ears. I am screaming in delight. Only she can stir these feelings in me.

She says nothing at all. Only speaks to me with her eyes, and I can feel the voices inside my head fade into soft whispers while I stare back at her. I watch as she joins our hands together on my stomach…how I wish to feel her touch.

Her brown eyes speak a language that only I can understand. She leaves a trail of unfelt touches across my face. A sense of warmth washes over me as she blinks with her eyelashes curling. Her smile stretches while she continues to stare at me, illuminating the darkness I was once in.

She stays with me, breaking the limit on the visitation hours. I rejoice in my own world, celebrating the love she still has for me.

She speaks to me through this unbreakable silence, responding to my every need.

And it’s her I hear...so loud and so clear.