*non
J/B*
She feels like she’s lived a long
life. Her forty years seeming
more like eighty. She guesses
that’s the price you pay when you start living the life of tabloid fodder
at sixteen. But today, as she
looks in the mirror at the image staring back at her, she’s astonished how
much she still resembles that sixteen year old, even while feeling so much
older. The wonders of good
genes she assumes. She always
wanted to age like her mother. That’s
why, contrary to popular belief, she hasn’t succumbed to the pressures of
Hollywood
standards just yet. She hopes
not to soon.
It’s been a good forty years.
She can’t argue with that. Though
she encountered many obstacles and experienced many rough times, she knows
just about anyone would give just about anything to be in her shoes.
Besides, she prefers to focus on the good in her life rather than the
bad. She’s learned to do
that. But she can’t help but
struggle with that right now.
She knew that today was going to be
hard. Her son finally stepping
out and making his own life. Traveling
through Europe for two months before heading to
New York
to go to school. He doesn’t
want the celebrity life. She’s
known that for some time and has supported it even longer.
She wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy some of the drama she had to
endure. And she knows that he
would be put under even more scrutiny because of his name.
Or actually, hers.
So she just stares at the mirror, at
the woman before her. And she
wonders what this house will feel like with him gone.
She’s contemplated buying a new penthouse in
New York
since she gave him the one she already owns.
But she knows she can’t do it.
She won’t do it. This
is his time to be free. To feel
alive and grow up without her or anybody to tell him what to do.
A luxury she didn’t truly get.
She’ll visit every once in a while.
So will his father.
And she’ll be alone.
Something she’s not been in a very
long time. Even after the magic
died with Kevin and she found out he was getting his thrills elsewhere, she
still had Sean. He held her
hand through the divorce. And
asked her why she didn’t cry. She
thinks it was then that he realized. But
he never said a word.
He just loved her.
And she drove deeper into her work.
This time behind the scenes. Writing
music as if it were second nature. Something
that surprised many people. Herself
included. She wasn’t known as
a great writer but when she finally allowed herself to feel, it was like a
dam had been released in her soul. She
became content there.
She’s still content there.
She hears his voice calling her down
the hallway and she quickly composes herself and steps out to meet him.
She holds back the tears threatening her eyes as she stares at him.
To her, he’s still her little boy.
Her angel. And letting
go is harder than she ever imagined. She
wonders if this is what her parents felt like when she was whisked away when
barely a teenager. She silently
hopes they didn’t endure the pain she feels.
She’s repeated the same quote to
herself over and over again over the past few days.
Something she read somewhere sometime ago but has always stuck with
her. Life is a balance of
hanging on and letting go. No
one knows more than her just how true that is.
And now it is time for her to let Sean
go.
So she steps forward and tiptoes to
wrap her arms around her son’s neck.
And she allows one single tear to slip down her cheek as she feels
him hug her tightly. She knows
the sensation she’s feeling well. It’s
one only mothers feel. She’s
learned the truth in the words that no love is like that you feel for your
child. Or from him.
She hears him whisper that he loves
her. And that he will miss her.
But she simply steps back and smiles at him.
She knows that he’s aware that right now she can’t say the words.
That they will likely make her break down.
But she also knows that he feels her love and knows she will miss him
desperately.
So he slips his strong arm around her
weak shoulders and they walk side by side down the stairs.
To the lone suitcase sitting beside the front door.
She knows that there’s a cab waiting outside for him.
Another of his many rebellions from celebrity life.
She knows that in a few seconds, he will walk away from this house
and no longer call it his home. But
she also knows that it always will be.
He kisses her cheek and then takes her
hand in his and squeezes it lightly. She
looks and him. At his beautiful
eyes and handsome face, noting that while he takes many of his features from
Kevin that it’s her that molded him into the man he is today.
And she realizes that he has been the best part of her forty years.
And he’ll continue to be the best part of the next forty.
Then he lowers his head slightly and
takes a deep breath before looking back to her.
And he tells her words that she never expected to hear.
That he doesn’t want her to be alone.
That she deserves the love he knows she has.
And when she starts to shake her head, he puts his hand on her
shoulder. There’s a reason he
never married, he says without saying the name she’s kept from him all of
his life.
And then he kisses her cheek once
again and heads out the door. And
she just stands there. Watching
the door close behind him. But
as her heart already pains from his absence she can’t help but think of
his words. His wishes.
That his mother finally find the love she’s kept away from the
world. Away from herself.
She turns slightly.
Catching a glimpse of her image in the mirror in the foyer.
And she just stares. She’s
still the same person. The same
beauty, the same heart, that he fell in love with all those years ago.
The same woman with whom he agreed he couldn’t be with then.
She regretted the decision the day it was made but knew it had to
happen. There was far too much
at stake then.
But she looks at herself and wonders
if there’s too much at stake now. Or
even if she cares what is at stake. She
knows the answer. She has for
some time. As she watched him
date woman after woman but never commit to any.
As he’s seen her at an awards show or on the street and hugged her
like an old friend. But not
like an old friend. More like
the same way she hugs him.
Her child is no longer a child.
He’s the one giving advice. And
she knows he’s right. And she
knows why he chose now to tell her. Because
he was the reason she never pursued her love before.
Because she wanted to give all of it to him.
And she didn’t want the speculation on him that would likely ensue
if she did. But now he is gone.
He is a man who no longer needs her protection.
And he wants her to have the love she longs for.
Now she is the only one standing in
the way.
And then she is the only one standing
at the door. This time to a
house she hasn’t entered for a long time.
She doesn’t remember the drive here.
She doesn’t even remember leaving.
But she remembers her son’s words.
And she remembers what she felt twenty years ago.
What she always felt thereafter.
But she doesn’t knock.
Instead just stands there and looks at the door.
She’s not sure what she’s scared of at the moment.
A rejection she knows deep down will not happen?
She knows he’s been waiting on her for all of those years.
And even more so after she left Kevin.
But it still doesn’t keep her from wondering if the time it took
her to reach this door, this moment, has hampered that.
But she just stands.
And stares. Until she
hears the door start to open and feels her heart start to flutter.
And she sees the surprise in his eyes.
But also the hope. And
when he clears his throat and his voice starts to crack, he asks her why
she’s there. She smiles
softly, tears now threatening once again.
And she tells him that he knows why she’s there.
And he does.
But she still needs to tell him.
So she whispers the words that she’s
never said to him. That she
loves him. She always has.
She doesn’t know why it was always so easy for her to say those
words to the other men in her life yet not to the one they truly belonged
to.
And before she can finish, she finds
herself engulfed in his arms. In
his long hidden emotions. But
not so long lost feelings.
In a love that she has only felt for
JC.
And he, only for her.
A lifetime of secrets hasn’t changed that.
It likely never will.
As she melts further into his embrace,
she knows that there will be two men who will share her next forty years.
The two she has loved all along.
And she no longer feels so old.