She walks around the room in silence, trying to subside her nervousness by examining framed prints of Amazing Grace and The Old Rugged Cross on the walls.  It doesn’t work.

She’s not sure she should be here, or rather, if he would want her here.  Even as she found the envelope with the perfectly scripted silver letters of her name inside her mailbox, she wasn’t sure if she was really wanted.  As she ran her fingers along the satin ribbon on the front of the invitation tucked neatly inside, she couldn’t help but think it was simply a nice gesture, an acknowledgement of the non-verbal truce they had called long ago.  She was even fairly certain that he didn’t know that it was sent but rather it was his mother who slipped her name onto the guest list for some subservient wedding planner to script and send out.  Both knowing that she likely wouldn’t subject herself to showing up but maybe send a nice gift and warm note instead. 

She’s now beginning to think that’s exactly what she should have done.  Just called up any of her endless minions and have them find the perfectly safe gift with a perfectly safe note and send it on its way without a second thought.  But instead she went out herself, ignoring the shuttering cameras around her as she went from store to store in search of the gift she wanted.  She scribbled her own note and attached it to the gift which she wrapped, complete with another silver bow. 

She looks down at the gift held in her trembling hands and quickly places it on a nearby table.  She doesn’t remember the last time she was this nervous.  Probably years ago when she was a fresh faced kid making her first appearance on TRL.  Or maybe it was the first time she held her child, cradling him like a piece of glass she was terrified she would break.  Right now, neither of those moments seems to compare.

She tells herself it’s just him.  The boy she’s known for half of her life.  He’s seen her at her at her best and worst.  He knows her life story, almost every excruciating detail and has lived a good deal of it with her.  He was once her best friend, who she’d think nothing about telling her most intimate secrets to.  Then he was seemingly her worst enemy even though she could never bring herself to truly believe it.  Now he’s just him.         

She glances at her watch and wonders for the millionth time if this really was a mistake.  He’s likely somewhere down the hall, nervous for reasons other than her, pleading with one of the guys to come and thank her for her gift and for coming but that he’s not going to be able to talk to her.  She can’t exactly blame him.  He has much more important things to focus on right now and she doesn’t have the right to pull him away from those things. 

She hugs her jacket around her waist and tightens her resolve, telling herself that she’s took a chance that ultimately failed.  She didn’t want to cause him problems, she just wanted to give him her gift and wishes in person, something he didn’t have the courtesy to do to her.  Not that she gave him a chance to.  But coming by was good enough, albeit a mistake, and she’ll leave her gift in hopes that maybe it will make it into his hands.  At least she tried she thinks to herself as she lowers her head and begins to walk to the door and away from him once again.

She’s so lost in her thoughts that she doesn’t hear the door open or even the small grumble as he clears his throat.  It’s not until she looks up into his piercing blue eyes that she realizes that he’s not letting her escape so easily.  She stares at him only briefly, subconsciously comparing the sight before her to the one she’s had in her head for many years.  When she realizes what she’s doing, she turns away, clutching her jacket even tighter to her as she slowly walks back into the room.  She can feel his eyes on her with every step she takes.

When she feels she is a safe enough distance away, she finally turns around.  She releases her arms to her side and feels the chill creep in as her cream satin dress is exposed every so slightly.  But he simply looks at her and she struggles to read the eyes she once knew so well.  He breaks from her gaze only once, to allow his eyes to leisurely stroll down her body before returning to her again. 

She feels like she wants to scream.  Or run.  Anything but stand here in the silence with him watching her from across the room.  It’s like he’s reading her, digging deep into her soul and exposing all of her thoughts and insecurities.  He’s making her feel vulnerable and she hates that he is but she hates even more the fact that she is vulnerable under his eyes.  She’s worked far too hard for far too long to make sure she didn’t ever feel this way and with one look, he’s shattered it all. 

She fidgets more under his gaze, silently cursing herself for doing so and even more so hoping that he will speak.  Anything right now would be nice.  Even if it were to tell her he didn’t want her here. 

But instead, it is she that finally breaks the silence.  Stopping her fidgeting to stare directly at him and shake her head.  She wills herself to be strong and then speaks softly.  “I shouldn’t have come, should I?” 

She takes his continued silence as a yes and quickly wraps her arms around her waist and begins to walk forcefully toward the door.  She had considered the thought of his rejection only briefly before she came here, hoping that he cared at least enough about her to acknowledge her existence.  She thinks now that she was obviously wrong and is determined to get away before he can make her any more vulnerable than she already is.

She is thinking about her stupidity for coming here and figuring out her best escape as she steps in beside him and begins to walk out the door.  But the he moves . . . gently putting his hand on her arm and she feels as if everything inside of her is somehow falling apart.  And again, she hates it.    

He stands there, his hand on her arm as she faces out the door.  His eyes all the while remain steady in the opposite direction.  Seconds that feel more like an eternity pass before he finally speaks.  “I’m glad you came, Brit.”  His voice soft and meaningful.

She can feel his hand push just a little harder into her arm, pulling her back into the room she was so determined to leave just moments earlier.  When she does, she looks at him and smiles softly before stepping back and once again taking in the man before her.  “You look handsome,” she says before she has a chance to reconsider her shaky words.  He blushes slightly, something she’s not sure she’s ever seen from him, and then begins to chuckle. 

The tension is broken ever so softly.

“I thought about not coming.  Even with an invitation I thought it was probably best to stay away.”  She tries to cover the crack in her voice as she clears her throat.  She doesn’t ever bring her eyes directly to his, instead gliding over them briefly as she looks about the room. 

She sees him push his hands into his pockets and step further inside.  The door closes loudly behind him.  “What changed your mind?”

“You,” she says and she immediately sees the surprise in his eyes.  She laughs, trying to break the tension between them even more but is not sure she succeeds.  “I always wondered what you would look like on your wedding day, Justin.”

She can tell he is taken aback by her words but he laughs as he smiles at her.  “I think you’ve been watching too many movies, Brit.  But it’s the guy whose the one whose supposed to say that when he sees the bride on her wedding day.”

“Well no one said it to me so I thought I’d say it to you.”  She hopes he doesn’t notice the hint of pain that jolts her words but one look into his eyes tells her he does. 

He takes his time, taking in the look of uncertainty on her face before he speaks.  “You didn’t give me a chance to.”  Not that she doesn’t already know that but it still doesn’t dim the pain she feels to hear him actually say it.

She laughs sarcastically, one he’s grown to know she uses as a defense mechanism, and throws back her head.  She doesn’t look at him.  “You and I both know that you wouldn’t have come.”

“Maybe if you would have invited me, we would know if that were true.”

His words slice at her even more than she thought they could and she finds herself struggling to find the right words to say, the vulnerability she hates so much once again setting in.  “Justin, I . . . . .”

“It’s ok, Brit,” he says softly, stopping her in her rambling.  She raises her head to fully meet his gaze.  “I honestly think that at that time, I would have been insulted if I had received an invitation.  Wounds don’t heal quite as quickly as they seem to.  Or even you believe them to.  But you did look beautiful on your wedding day.  As I always expected you would.”  The words that were meant to help her only seem to hurt her and she’s not exactly sure why.  Considering he was once the only man she saw herself marrying could have something to do with it but she would never admit that. 

She moves a little further into the room, pushing his words from her head as she struggles to find something to say.  Anything to get them away from this moment, this thought. 

“So are you nervous,” she says finally, accompanying her words with a slight chuckle to release the tension built up inside of her.    

He leans back against the table her gift sits atop, placing his arms across his chest and taking a deep breath.  He looks to the ceiling and she silently feels him opening up to her.  “Numb really.  It’s all kind of strange.  Everyone keeps asking me if I’m nervous and I guess I really should be but all I feel is numb.”  She blindly finds herself gravitating to him, finally resting against the table a few feet away.  She doesn’t look at him and he doesn’t her.  “You know, I keep looking at myself in the mirror and I can see the boy I once was and the man that I hope I am today.  I guess this is where the numbness sets in.  As I look at myself and wonder if I’m truly ready for this.  If I’m truly the man I need to be to take this kind of step.  Or if I’m still the boy that made the mistakes of years past.”

She shakes her head, knowing that he can’t see her. “You’re not a boy, Justin.  You’re doing the right thing.  You know a couple years ago when you told me, and quite bitterly I might add, that I was making a huge mistake by marrying Kevin after only knowing him for a short time.”  She can feel his eyes on her now and it feels like her body is weakening by the second.  She turns to face him, trying in vain to hide the sheath of tears that cover her eyes.  “You were right.  I made a mistake.  But you’re not.”  She nods her head emphatically, prompting her tears to burn more prominently.  “You waited and discovered her completely.  And you love her.  I can see it in your eyes.  You deserve this, Justin.  You deserve her.”

Through her own blurred vision she believes she sees tears now in his eyes but she quickly holds her resolve and forces herself not to break down.  It’s not what either of them needs right now. 

He reaches across the distance between them and takes her hand in his, softly rubbing the top with the pad of his thumb.  She inhales a deep breath.  “I want you to be happy, J.  I want you to have what I don’t.  Don’t take her for granted.  Realize and believe that everything you have and everything you’ve been through only got you to this point and will only make you and your relationship stronger.  Just know her.  And listen to her.  And love her.” 

This is what she came here for.  Not as torture, as so many times she thought it was, but as release.  She felt she needed to tell him that she approved, even though it wouldn’t and shouldn’t matter.  She needed to tell him that she wanted his happiness.  A simple gesture but one that she knew she needed to do. 

He tightens the grip on her hand, still keeping their bodies separated by the space between them.  From the corner of her eye, she sees a tear fall down his cheek but he doesn’t make any movement to try to stop it.  “And what about you,” his voice cracks, “what about your happiness?”

She looks at him and smiles brightly.  “I have it.  It’s an 18 month old who steals my heart and makes me fall more in love with him more every day.  His love is pure and true and I know that he’ll never take me for granted.”

“And Kevin,” he questions softly.

She removes her eyes from his and shrugs as she looks down at the floor.  “He’s my husband and I made a vow to him.  I don’t love him and I’m not sure if I ever really did.  And I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me . . . . .  And maybe that’s not fair to me or to him but it’s the choice I made.  And Sean’s worth whatever happens with Kevin.”

Her body tingles as she feels his thumb rubbing smoothly across her hand.  “You’re a wonderful mother, Britney.  And I hope that Kevin does realize what he has . . . . . but if he doesn’t, you know that I’m always here for you if you need me.”

She laughs uncomfortably as she glances to him.  “No you can’t be, J.  I can’t be a priority in your life.  I really can’t even be a friend.  I wouldn’t do that to Cameron.”

She can see the understanding in his eyes.  She had finally admitted the underlying truth that had been evident for so long but that neither of them seemed to want to admit.  Today was the end.  The release.  Even through the silence that had been between them over the past few years, they were both still holding on. 

Now they are letting go. 

She pushes her body off of the table and quickly wipes at the moisture on her eyes.  She runs her hands down her body, smoothing out her dress and willing herself to stand tall.  When he stands up to face her, she puts on her most genuine smile and reaches her hand out to him.  “Congratulations, Justin.”

With her hand in his, she can’t help but feel the emotion that has been devoid of her life for far too long.  She takes a step forward and into his welcoming arms and then tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck.  She hesitates only briefly but then allows herself to melt into him one final time. 

As he holds her tightly against him, she tilts her head and places a gentle kiss on his cheek.  She pushes her body up further against him, reluctantly allowing a tear to fall from her eye and land on his shoulder.  As her lips reach his ears, she sighs softly.  “I love you, Justin.  I always will.”