The
cold winter wind hits my back and forces me to take another step and I push open
the door of my Manhattan apartment, of all the places I went today, this is the
only place where there is no reporter, photographer, or paparazzi. Suddenly I
realized how quiet it is in here. I swear you can hear a pin drop onto the
kitchen floor. This is one of these nights when I feel I am so alone, it is just
me against the world. Sure I've got family and friends who loves me, and will be
there for me whenever I need them. But they don't have to go through being asked
about the same questions ten times a day, or be nice to some people when they
are rude to you. They try and try, but they don't understand what it is like to
be me. Like tonight of all nights I'm alone. Even though it’s been three years
it's all still fresh in my head. Someone used to understand, but he is not here
with me anymore. I look at the pictures on top of the fireplace, I didn't even
know that picture is still there. I remind myself everyday that I should bury
his memory, but sometimes I feel as though he is here with me. Whenever I have a
reporter say something nasty to me, I would think about him, and how he would
just hold me. When I had a tough day, he would hold until I fell asleep, and he
would still be there when I wake up the next morning.
But
he's gone now, forever. Some mornings I would still reach for him on the other
side of the bed, but it's always empty. Some mornings I can hardly get myself
up. I thought I am used to this by now, but everyday, my heart breaks a little
more. And every time I try to convince myself that in time I will forget him and
move on, I get even more confused as to why what happened happened. We were so
in love. Everyone around us saw that, and we knew that, we never took each other
for granted because we knew what we have, some people can't even find it in a
lifetime. When we first met on the set of MMC, we were young, but even back
then, deep down we knew that the other one is important and special. When I was
sixteen, we were reunited after all these years.
It
was like someone up there is looking over us. When I was eighteen, I was in love
with him. We made our relationship known to our fans around the world. At age
twenty, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, and I
wanted to too. I knew then that he is the one for me. And now I am 21 years old,
and it's all gone, just like that. No warning, no angry words. Nothing ever
prepared me for what was to come.
When
the engagement rumors started to spread. Everyone had his or her opinion about
it. Some thought it was the cutest thing, and that we should get married and
live happily ever after. Some thought that we were too young, that we should see
what's out there first before we get settled down. It was rather funny to me how
these people who we don't know have such strong opinion about us. I guess that's
the price of being the Pop Prince and the Pop Princess. Some of Justin's fans
said nasty thing about me, some of them even said it to my face. I never let it
get to me, but he would always get upset over it. I told him that it doesn't
bother me, because his love makes me strong, and when he is with me, nobody can
bring me down. I truly meant that. I don't know what is it about him, but when
we are together, the world no longer matter to me, I can forgive anyone who had
hurt me with no questions asked. He always said that I have the biggest heart,
but what he doesn't know is that without him, I wouldn't have a heart, I
wouldn't have love. I quickly wipe away the tears that are now falling down my
cheeks uncontrollably. He would always say that I am at two places at the same
time when we are not together, because I am always in his heart.
A/N: Thanks to Ing for your suggestions...