In My Daughter's
Eyes
SS by Kayla
Prologue
Stress.
The
Media.
Those
were the reason’s they said I left. Well, yeah, those are the reasons why I
left my career out of the public eye for almost a year. I was so sick of all the
rumors. The lies. The mental pain forced upon myself for years. I wanted a
break. I needed one none the less. I had only planned to be away from the world
for about 6 months. But something kept me from going back. Well, it didn’t
actually KEEP me from going back. It was my choice. I needed to stay away and
keep that something away from the media.
That
something was a someone.
I
officially took myself away from the world in October 2002. I needed time to
figure out myself and my life. My parents split up, which tore me to shreds
because I didn’t even know they were having problems. Earlier, Justin and I
ended our relationship because we couldn’t handle being together anymore. The
schedules, all the rumors, they were literally tearing us apart. So, after all
that happened, I lost my Grandmother. God, I loved that woman. She meant so much
to me. After everything happened, I hid myself away from everything in
Louisiana. I continued to work on my 4th album ‘In The Zone’
while I was gone.
A
month later, I was tired of sitting at home stuffing myself with cookie-dough
ice cream and watching ‘Sex and the City’. So I got together with a few of
my friends in NYC and we had a girl’s night out that I will to this day never
forget.
We
danced and drank most of the night, having fun and goofing around. Being
ourselves… Then HE asked me to dance with him. We were both out of our heads
at the time. The alcohol had us both. And we decided to go back to his place and
get together. I’ve talked to him since that night. But I’ve never mentioned
the life we created together. I’m only keeping her from him for her safety. I
don’t want her to have a father come into her life and then have him leave her
because of his career. I know he would choose his career over her. He loves his
career more than anything. Way more than her could ever love her.
Allison
Jean Spears was born August 18th, 2003. She is my angel. Without her
in this world I don’t know what I would have to live for besides Jamie Lynn
and Momma. It’s kind of ironic that she was born at that time. Ten days after
she was born I re-introduced myself to the world when I opened the 2003 VMAs
with Madonna and Christina. I have no clue how I got through those last few days
of rehearsals. Madonna (thank the lord for her because she is so understanding,
she’s like my second mother or something) gave me the time I needed and she
loved Ally being with us everyday so it was okay that I brought her with me to
rehearsals.
Allison
is now 7 months old. She is perfect. It’s scary though because she looks so
much like me. She’s got my hair, my face shape, my nose, she’s even got my
smile. But her eyes, oh lordy her eyes… she has his eyes. She reminds me of
him every time I look at her. As far as I’m concerned, I have no intention of
letting her father know about her. She has me and I have her. That’s all we
need.
How I’ve kept Allison a secret from everyone besides my family and friends is a miracle. I don’t know how I’ve done it but I love it this way. Everything I do to attract attention to myself I do when I think the world might find out. I do it so they’ll focus on something else about me besides the fact that I might have a child. I don’t want the world to know.
Especially
not him.