"If I"
SS by Ing

Thanksgiving Day


"Justin, can I ask you a question? It's really important." Jonathan ask as
he came in from where he had been outside with Stephen.

"Sure buddy, everyone else asks, why not you." he said as he ruffled the
youngsters hair.

"I guess that's my cue to leave." Randy said as he got up from the kitchen
table where he had been having a beer with his eldest son.

"No, you don't have to leave." Justin said "Stay, I may need a buffer." he
kidded.

"Okay" he said sitting back down again. "Where is your brother?"

"Here daddy."Stephan said running into the room.

"Hey Champ."

"Hey J"he said climbing on Justin's lap.

"So Jonathan what's this question you want to ask me?"

"Stephen was wondering." he said as he lowered his head.

"Wondering what?" Justin asked as he looked at his father.

"You too!" Stephen said

"Yeah me too.....we were wondering."

"What?" Justin said but knew before they asked what the question was going
to be when he saw the tears forming in his brother's eyes.

"Where's Brit? Is she still on tour?"

"Kids, I think you need to give your brother a chance to catch his breath he
just got here and already you are full of questions.What did your mama tell
you about that?"

"It's ok." It was then that he realized just how sheltered from the whole
entertainment facet of his life his brothers had been. To them he was J or
Justin. "Umm" he said and looked at the kids. He had to be careful Britney
had always been as big a part of their life as he had been in Jamie Lynne's.
Only she was older and was in the business so she pretty much knew what was
going on. "Britney is really busy." he said

"But even when she's busy she comes to see us when you do." Stephen said

That was true, no matter how busy she had been she always found the time he
thought as a tears came to his eyes.

"Justin, is Britney alright?"Jonathan asked going over to stand in front of
his brother.

"She's fine."he said taking a deep breath "Umm, there is something I should
have told you guys along time ago." he said "Brit and I broke up."

"What? When? Why?" Jonathan asked.

"Is she coming back?"

"It's a lot, you wouldn't understand."

"Did you love her?"

"No, it's not that. I loved her, more than anything and she loved me."
Justin said sadly. "Sometimes love just isn't enough."

"Why?" was the only word uttered by both brothers at the same time.

"If you loved her" Jonathan said. "And she loved you, I know she did" he
said "Why did you let her go? You always tell us if there is something we
want we shouldn't give up on it."

"You're right, and I still love her. Maybe I shouldn't have given up, but
then again it's not."

"Boys that's enough. You need to go get washed up for dinner." Randy said to
his young sons.

"Is she coming back, will we ever see her again?" Stephen asked with tears
falling from his eyes. Out of his brothers he was closest to Britney she had
been there since the day he was born.

"No."Jonathan said angrily.

"Justin fucked up....just like Pete's sister said."

"Boys watch your language. Apologize to your brother this instant and then
go to your room. I'll deal with you later."

"No, that's what she said. She said he fucked up and let the best thing in
the world go just so he could be JT, I told her she wasn't right" he said
crying. "But maybe she is .I can tell you I won't be fighting for you
anymore." Jonathan said angrily.

"Guys" Justin said kneeling down to the boys eye level. "You don't...."

"I know, understand" Jonathan said.

"I think you owe you brother an apology, both of you!" Randy said again.

"Why should he apologize, has Justin? We were just at Pete's house and we
heard his sister and her friend talking about all the things that Justin has
said about Britney. Did you ever love her?" The young boy asked, running out
of the room with tears in his eyes.

"Jonathan, you're too young to understand."

"I understand enough to know I used to want to be just like you. But not
anymore, not if you can hurt people you love so easily." he said as he
turned and walked out of the room.

"Justin, I'm so sorry...." Randy began as he reached for his eldest sons
hand across the table.

"They were right dad. Every word, I did fuck up. I've hurt Britney and I
don't know how or why." Justin said as he buried his head in his hands and
began to weep silently. "A year ago we were all sitting around and talking
about a wedding for this Spring. To any normal 21 year old guy that would
have been the scariest thing in the world. But not me, because I was happy.
I was happier than I have ever been. The happiest I'll ever be.I had my life
mapped out, planned. Things were....they were like a fairytale. I was with
the love of my life. The one girl I had loved since I was 12. The one woman
I promised never to hurt, and the one I hurt most of all."

"I know I haven't always been around when you needed me. But if you want to
talk, I'm here. I mean I know its usually one of the guys or Ken, Paul or
Johnny. Hell you were even closer to Jamie than to me."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is." Randy said "Tell me. Who was there when NSYNC broke records and
won awards? It was Johnny. When you and Brit would argue who would you go
to? Who did you go golfing with and talk about the future? Paul....Who did
you go to for career advice? It wasn't me it was Ken, he was the one there
when you launched into your solo career."

"Da.." Justin tried to interrupt him.

"No let me finish. Who was the one there to help you through a broken
relationship. It wasn't me who told you that everything was going to be ok
and sat and drank beers til all hours of the night. It wasn't me. It was
Jamie."

"That's because we were both going through the same thing at the same time."

"I went through the same thing. But you were more comfortable going to the
father of the girl you had just broken up with than your own father."

"I'm sorry." he said lowering his head "I guess I just always figured you
were always too busy with the boys to worry about me. And I had all these
people around, all they had was you."

"You're my son too. And if I could take this pain away from you I would,
because I remember what its like. I remember feeling hollow and empty.
Feeling like the one person you though you would grow old with was no longer
in your life. All the dreams you lost. I guess in a way I'm lucky because
there was you. You were the reason I got up in the mornings, you were my one
connection to the one that I had loved and you were the last thread of that
dream. I guess I didn't push you because I didn't want to lose you too. Your
mom and your sister were enough, I don't think I could bear losing you
too."Randy said as tears flowed from his eyes as he looked at his son. "But
over the past few months, thats whats happened, I've lost you. I've lost you
to the business."he said watching the emotion on his sons face.
"No maybe you aren't a lost cause yet"he said "And I'll be damned if I let
you get sucked in. "Over the past few months you have changed, I know your a
21 year old man. Just think about this, you were a 21 year old man in
Febuary when you were the planning your wedding too. And then ask yourself
which one was happier, more fufilled. Which one can you live with looking in
the mirror everymorning. I love you Justin we all do. Right now you are
going through alot, and you have so many people telling you things, its hard
to not be swayed by your own publicity."

"In other words dont believe the hype."

"Exactly."

"I try not to.....but."

"But what, you let the Alyssa's and Jenna's tell you different. That's the
one thing I can honestly say about Britney. No matter how high she rose or
how much she was in the press. She was still that same little girl that I
met years ago. She is that same little girl. And she kept you as that same
kid who was in it for the love of making music not making money."he said "I
don't know this you, and frankly I don't know if I want to."

"Gee thanks dad," Justin said walking out of the room."Just what I need one
more person on my ass about something."

"Dammit Justin" Randy said grabbing hold of his sons arm. "What is wrong
with you?"

"What's wrong with me. you want to know whats wrong with me." He yelled.
"There is a whole in the pit of my stomach, in my life that no matter what I
do I cant fill. I drink,I cant forget. I party, I can't forget, But at every
turn someone is telling me I need to move on, I need to get over it. Dammit
dad I can't. I go to sleep at night, you know what's the last thing on my
mind, it's Britney. The first thing on my mind when I wake up, Britney.
She's never far away, she's there no matter what, she's there. I can't get
over it. Hell people are telling me that once she moves on and with someone
else it will be ok, that I can forget and put it past me then." He said
getting choked up "but that's what scares me most of all."

"You still love her don't you?"

"Yes" Justin said tears in his eyes "I've never stopped."

"You could have surprised me."

"Oh God!" Justin said as he sat heavily in the chair his head in his hands
"What have I done?" he said "I never meant to hurt anyone, and god knows I
never meant to hurt Britney.It's just..."

"You're confused, you're hurt, you're angry. But dont you think Britney is
feeling all of those same things right now. She could very easily but has
she stooped to negativity?"

"No"

"Even after everything you've said, she hasn't came out against you..because
she loves you and she would never tarnish what you had together.It was too
precious to her."

"Touche"

"Justin I'm not saying any of this to hurt you, but right now you are in a
position where you are very vunerable. I don't want you to give in to
anything or anyone because you are confused." He said."You seem to have a
lot of anger inside towards Britney but you needs to let it go. It's my
experience that there is always two sides to the story. You obviously still
love her and the anger is only going to push her away faster. I did that, I
remember when your mom first met Paul...it was like I had lost a part of me.
But when she married him it was like nothing else I ever felt. I watched my
family slip away from me. I watched my dreams go up in smoke, I watched
another man raise my son and live with the woman I loved."

"But you found Lisa." Justin said "And you have the boys."

"You would think that would make it easier, but it doesn't. But you know
something, your mom and I are in a way different from you and Britney. When
the two of you were together I saw something there that I had never seen,
never had. And still haven't. There was a look in your eyes when you were in
the room together. The two of you would shine, you would radiate energy and
love. It was enought to where everyone in the room was affected. There was a
light in your eyes and parden the pun but a spring in you step. You loved to
live and lived to love, there was a purpose for everything you did and there
was a woman there who made you whole and complete. ."

"Things change."

"Things maybe, but people dont. But if that's how you feel, then let her go
Justin. Be ready to let her go completely and be ready to watch her walk
into someone else's arms. She has watched you all these months and has said
nothing....but she's hurting too."

"You don't know that!"

"It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out."

"What are you saying, walk away move on with my life. Forget what we had."

"No, I would never tell you to do that,because quite frankly that would be
asking the impossible. You will never be able to forget Britney or what you
had. The question now is, do you move on or do you try to repair the dammage
thats been done before its too late?"

"What if its already too late?"he said "I'm afraid."

"Then I will owe you an apology. But Justin I've never known you to be
afraid of anything. You always go after what you want. The question now is
what do you want?"

December 2, NYLA

"Brit, you forgot this one. I guess it fell on the floor." Jamie Lynne said
holding out the envelope to Britney.

"Guess I did." she said looking at the handwriting on the outside of the
envelope. Out of all the gifts and well wishes she had recieved there was
one that she didn't get. One that she was not sure if it hurt more that she
didn't get it, or if it would have hurt more if she would have gotten it.

"You going to open it or stare at it?"Laura Lynne joked.

"Oh" Britney said as she removed the folded paper from the envelope. It was
then that she recognized the handwriting.

Britney,

Please don't throw this out. That's why I had someone else address it. I
knew if you saw it was from me you might have tossed it out. But I need to
say this, I need to get this off of my chest. I spent alot of time with my
dad over the holidays and we talked. For the first time like a father and
son.I guess in a way I always wanted that. I saw him with the boys and I saw
Bryan with your dad and I knew something was missing in my life. No missing
is the wrong word to use. I guess scared is a better word. Anyway, sometimes
it takes hitting rock bottom to realize something is wrong. And I hit rock
bottom. I pushed everyone that I love out of my life and was standing on my
own. I convinced myself that's what I wanted, what I needed. But I was
wrong. The biggest time of my life and I don't even know who I am. I spent
my release party with two men that I don't even know anymore and that I want
more than anything to know again. And I spent my release party with a woman
who doesn't know me. And all I could think about was you. So I hit rock
bottom and the only person there to pick me up was a man I had never allowed
myself to know. And he did. He picked me up and he opened my eyes and my
heart. Brit, I don't know what I can do to make this right or even if that's
possible. And I'm not even sure I know the words to say but I am sure of two
things. That I miss you more than I could ever imagine. And that I love you
with all my heart. So these are my words to you. Even if the feelings are
never reciprocated, at least you now know the truth.

Oh, and Happy Birthday Baby

J

I was so busy doin' things
Doin' things that I wasn't supposed to
And I know you might not believe me babe
But I love you

For each tear, forgive me
It was unintentional
That I made you cry
I want you to know that I
I apologize
And I'm prayin' that it's not too late

Girl, if I, if I should lose you girl
If I could make love to you girl
If I have thrown our love away
I don't know what I'm gonna do

I can't even imagine babe
I can't imagine my life without you
And I, I can't even fathom babe
Someone is loving you

Don't turn away from me
And leave me here down on my knees
Without you, I'm dying
Won't you come save my life
Now I realize
That I'll never love the way that I loved you

Repeat 1

Oh, I know
I know I was wrong
With you, I belong
If our love is gone
How can I carry on?
I'm so alone without you to hold
Won't you come home

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