Everytime
SS by Ing
In like a lion out like a lamb. That was you, you came into my life. You broke down walls I didn't even know that I had up. We connected from the start, we were 12, it was as if we had known each other our whole lives. You taught me how to laugh. At 16 you taught me that the world was a crazy place and you had to be one be one step ahead at all the time. You taught me how to strive. At 18 you taught me how believe in myself as you believed in me. At 20 you taught me how to love, making me happy having you near me along the way. At 22 you taught you that what goes around comes around.
Come notice me"Brit," Bryan called out to his sister who was not paying attention to him. She was in her own world in the crowded room "Britney are you ok?" Bryan asked as he came up to her and put his arms around her waist.
"Yeah I'm fine, just peachy keen jelly bean." She said laughing as she
held the cigarette in her shaking hand.
"You can fool some of the people some of the time. But you can never fool me." He said turning her around to look at him.
"I'm fine Bry....really I am." She said as she stubbed the cigarette out.
"That's why you've been so quiet. That's why you are holed up in a corner. Because you are fine."
"Nerves." She said patting his cheek
"Just nerves."
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby
"Are you sure, I mean you would tell me if anything else were bothering you wouldn't you."
"I love you Bryan." She said as she reached up and kissed his cheek "Thank you for being worried about me. But really I'm fine. With the release I'm just a little high strung." She said as she folded her arms around her stomach "I guess I forgot how hard it is." She said "You know kind of like Christmas morning after you have opened all of your gifts its just anti climatic."
"Well you start tour rehearsals in a few months. That should be pretty exciting."
"Yeah>"Was all she said
"And your promotions aren't really over yet. You still have the second leg overseas."
"Yeah I will be busy for sure. Thanks to you and Larry." She said pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Is it too much Brit?"
She just stood there silently and shook her head. "No it's fine, it keeps me busy and my mind occupied."
"You mean it keeps your mind off of Justin." Bryan said looking at his sister knowingly as her facial expression changed.
"Why do you keep bring up Justin?"
She snapped.
I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
Brit if you can't be honest with me at least be honest with yourself."
"What are you talking about?"
"Your hurting Brit, everyday you die a little bit more inside. Can't you see you can only be strong for so long before you start to crack."
"That's not true."
"Why cant you say his name. In every interview that his name was brought up you said him. Or just generally avoided them."
"I'm not going to use the worse time of my life as a form of pr.."
"No instead you did things like pose half nude on every magazine cover that you could. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why you did it. You wanted to get Justin's attention. You did everything you could to put yourself out there where you knew you would be seen, where you would be front page news."
"That's a load of bull shit."
"That coming from someone who is hiding behind the truth."
"Drop it Bryan." Britney said taking a cigarette out and lighting it.
"This is what I'm talking about." He said as he grabbed it in his hand "you never once touched these things when you were together. Sure every once in awhile in a club when everyone else light up. You never drank as much as you do now. Never would you have posed for those covers."
"Stop it Bryan." Britney yelled "Just drop it. I'm not the same person I was then. I'm not perfect little Britney."
"No one ever said you had to be perfect."
"Yes they did. I had the perfect life, the perfect boyfriend, perfect hair, perfect teeth. Hell everything in my life was fucking perfect. You know what they told me so often , that I actually started to believe it myself. And I started to be afraid of it. I felt in the back of my mind that if things were too perfect there was no way in hell they would last."
"Aha?"
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
"So I did the only thing I could. I thought it would hurt less if I was the one to walk away." She said as tears started to fall from her eyes "I accused him of things that I know he never did. We argued about every little thing that I could think of." She lead on the railing of the balcony "I didn't think I could handle perfection. I thought that fairy tales were only for bedtime stories. I saw what mama and daddy were going through and...." she said as she slid down until she was sitting on the cold concrete with her head in her hands "I thought it would hurt less if I was the one who walked away, because as I watched mama I knew that there was no way in hell, I was strong enough to ever hold up having a man I had built my life around walk away from me. I knew it would kill me. I knew I would die , I know it I just knew it. And I didn't want that for myself or for any kids that we would have had. I didn't want to put them through the same pain." She said as she wiped away the tears that fell from her eyes. "I didn't want them to grow up in a home with two people who only tolerated each other."
Bryan stood there watching his sister break down for the first time in almost two years. She was finally letting all of the pain she had held back.. "So you decided to be the one to walk away. You didn't give yourself or Justin a chance. Are you happy now, " Is this what you wanted. Did it hurt less." he said his voice dropping as he looked at her broken figure."
"No, worse," She said "Because every day I had to live with what I had done to us, the pain that I caused. I don’t think I really realized how selfish I was being until the numbness of what had happened wore off. I'll regret til the day I die what happened, what I did."
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry
"You didn't have to do it, you didn't have to go so far Brit."
"I did, no matter how angry he got at me for the stupid shit. The endless arguments. He never walked away. He would hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. That I was under too much pressure. What he didn't know" she said with a rye laugh " Was that the only pressure I was really under was to be perfect. The perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter. the perfect sister, the perfect friend. the perfect client....."She shook her head "There was only one way to make him realize that I wasn't perfect, that eventually I would ruin him, ruin us.."
"So you did the one thing that you knew he would never forgive. That's why you never got angry at all the things he said. That's why you just sat back and let him strike back blow after blow."
"Don't you see, it helped me." She cried
"Did it, did it really."
She said nothing only shook her head as her
hair cascaded down around her shoulders.
Ohhhh
At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
"No, his face still haunts me. That day still haunts me. I'll always remember his face, the look of pain and hurt. The way I know he loved me. The way I love him."
"Then why Brit, why the lies?"
"Because I didn't want to do to him what mama did to daddy. I loved him too much, I never want to stifle him, I didn't want to hold him back and have him resent me 30 years later. I couldn't have him hating me or walking out on me. I guess I wanted to be the one to do the walking. But he wouldn't let me go. He played the knight in shining armor until the end."
"So drastic times call for drastic measures? Hurt him before you get hurt?"
"I guess . "
"But did they have to be so drastic?"
"Not you too." She laughed sadly "I guess it turned out better than I thought."
"What?"
"Nothing ever happened. Just a few well placed words with a few people who I knew would go running back to Justin. A few too many times him being in the same place at the same time. Or around when Justin wasn't. And then it just got to the point where it was hard to believe anything anymore. Even for me. I forgot where the deception ended and the truth began."
"Brit, why didn't you come to me, why didn't you talk to me about this. About how you felt."
"Because I was afraid you would talk me out of it, once I had my courage up I had to do it and I know all it would take was one person telling me it was a mistake and I would change my mind."
"But you did it anyway. Even knowing that it was a mistake."
"One that had to be made, how crazy does that sound.
"Very.''
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
"True love is not needing so much that you can't let go. It's loving them enough to know when you need to let go."
"You mean like the old saying...If you love something set it free...."
"If it comes back it was yours, if it doesn't it wasn’t meant to be." She said as she held her head up "I guess I got my answer now don't I."
"Don't say that."
"Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I always thought he would come back. But he's not is he?" She said as the tears started to fall . There was no way she could hold back the pain she was feeling.
"Brit" Bryan said as he sat beside her and pulled her into his arms and held her as she cried "It's ok to cry." He told her as her body shook from the sobs. Finally after about five minutes like this she pulled back and wiped her eyes.
Taking a deep breath she stood up and looked out at the skyline "Strong Britney. You have to be strong." She said to herself "You have to be strong."
Bryan walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her "How about you let someone else be strong for you for a change?"
"Because I don’t' have anyone anymore. "
"That's not true, you have me, mama, daddy, JL. Were all here Brit, we were here 18 months ago too ."
"Mama and daddy had their own problems and JL is too young."
"You know and I know that mama and daddy would have put everything aside to help you, and JL knows more than you give her credit for."
"I'll be ok Bry really. I just have to learn how to stop loving him so much. I need to forget him that way it won't hurt so much. And I really thought it wouldn't you know since I was the one to walk away."
"You know what they say . . . Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. And that's impossible. No matter what, he'll always be in your heart."
"I know, that's the only thing that gets
me up in the morning. That and hoping and praying that this will be the day he
forgives me." She said as she leaned her head on her brother’s shoulder.
Just remember, there is a thin line between love and hate."
After all...
After all...