Clean Slate
by Kelli
Part 1
Britney stared out her window of her bedroom in Kentwood.
"Brit?" Lynne asked as she knocked on the partially opened door.
"Yes, mama?" she asked, not turning her head.
"You okay? Jamie Lynn said you seemed quiet today." She entered the bedroom and stood behind her.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she sighed. "Holiday blues, I guess," she shrugged.
"Holiday blues about what?" she asked as she rubbed Britney's back and sat down on the window bench next to her.
"Just in general. You know, the whole hype before Christmas and now it's here and gone."
"Yeah, I guess it just gets to you some years more than others," Lynne replied.
"That and......it's harder when you're alone," Britney said softly. "This was my favorite time of year with him."
Lynne understood what her daughter was getting at.
"Did you try to call his mom's?" Lynne asked, resting her cheek against Britney's shoulder.
"No. I don't want to intrude. What would be the point anyway?"
"Just to let him know that you're thinking about him and his family over the holidays....."
Britney looked over and her mom and shook her head. "You don't get it, do you? He doesn't care anymore. He's got someone else in his life."
She stood up and walked to the middle of the room.
"He didn't even send me a card, mama. At least he sent flowers last year," she said, holding her arms out and then letting them fall to her sides.
Lynne turned so that she was facing Britney. Her eyes narrowed as she studied her daughter.
"What are your feelings?" she asked her.
"About what?" Britney asked, putting her hands on her hips.
"About Justin? Because this little outburst is new to me. From what I could tell you were way over him," she said with an exaggerated gesture of her hand. "Isn't that what you said? It didn't matter who he was with or where they were at?"
"It doesn't," Britney shrugged, standing her ground.
"But obviously it does.....because if it didn't then you would have sent him a card or called to say Merry Christmas. It has some kind of effect on you that Cameron might be with him."
Britney covered her ears with her hands. "Why did you have to say her name?"
Lynne bit back her smile. "Sorry."
The two stayed like that for a few more seconds.
"My my," Lynne said standing up and started to walk over to Britney. "This is quite a surprise. I really thought you were over him."
"I am, mama," Britney said, but she was too emotional at this point to stop her tears from falling. "Or, I want to be. I get to a point where I'm okay and then there's something that happens and he's right there again," she said, holding her hand up in her face.
"Do you still care about him?"
"I'll always care about him, you know that," Britney said as she wiped away the tears.
"That's not what I mean. I mean if he wasn't with someone right now, what would your feelings be?"
They were now standing face to face, but Britney's head was down.
"There are still a lot of things that hurt me....."
"And there are a lot of things that hurt him," Lynne replied.
"But after being away from him this long," she said, looking up into her mother's eyes, "and seeing how hard it is for me to find someone who I can trust because of who I am......it makes me realize what we had together. I used to think I could get that back. Damn him for finding someone who can put up with his shit," she said, making fists and pumping them next to her hips. Her teeth were gritted and she turned to face away from her mother.
"I think you should talk to him," Lynne said, putting her hands on Britney's shoulders. She rested her chin on her left shoulder.
"Why? So he can either laugh at me or just call me more names? I don't think so," Britney bitterly chuckled.
"I seriously doubt it would go like that," Lynne said.
"You weren't there the last time we argued mama."
"And that was how long ago? You two have calmed down since then."
"I don't think so," Britney said, shrugging her mom's hands off and walking toward her bed.
She collapsed on her bed face first and laid there, hoping her mom would get the hint and leave her alone. She did.
As soon as Britney heard the door shut, she let out all of her emotions she had been holding back and cried.
"Stop feeling this way, Britney," she said to herself through her tears. This didn't help and in fact, it only made her cry harder.
When she was finally finished she sat up and propped her arms on her bent legs. Her face was sticky from the dried tears, her nose was stuffed up and her eyes were puffy but she decided she needed to do something, like her mom said. She couldn't just sit here feeling this way, she needed to do something, whether it was reciprocated or not.
She cleared her throat and picked up the phone and dialed.
"Fe......when you get a chance, can you find out when Justin's going to be in LA? But by himself? Thanks."
~*~
Britney walked down the hall of the hotel. She looked around, making sure no one saw her. When the elevator door down the hall opened, she jumped and quickly turned the corner so no one saw her. She rested her back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling.
"This is stupid," she mumbled to herself.
She looked at the room numbers on the wall and finally found the one she was looking for. She stood in front of it and took a deep breath. Looking down at her outfit, she smoothed out the wrinkles and then looked back up at the door. She lifted her hand to knock but the door opened, which startled her.
"Oh," she said, her hand touching her chest.
"Britney?" Trace asked as he stood in the doorway.
"Hi Trace," she said with a slight smile.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking behind him quickly.
"I'm here to talk to Justin. Is he in?"
Trace's eyes shifted to the left before looking back at her.
"Yeah, he's in. Is he expecting you?" he asked, in a confused tone.
Britney shook her head. "No, I don't think he would be," she tried to chuckle.
"Hold on....okay?" he asked.
As he started to shut the door she pushed it open.
"Do you care if I at least wait inside? I don't want anyone seeing me," she said.
"Then you shouldn't have came...." he replied sarcastically. He shook his head and took a step back. "Sure, stand here."
She stood inside the door and shut it behind her. He went into one of the adjoining bedrooms and came back out in a few minutes.
"He'll be out in a minute. He just took a shower."
"Thanks," she said.
"I was just leaving," he said, pointing to the door behind her.
She moved out of the way and gave a quick wave.
"Bye, it was good seeing you."
Trace's eyebrows raised and he shook his head. "Yeah, you too."
After he closed the door behind him, she started to move around the room. She studied a book that was on the coffee table. When she heard the noise behind her she quickly turned.
"Hi, Britney," Justin said, standing in the doorway of the bedroom.
"Hi," she smiled. "I hope this isn't a really bad time. I tried to give you enough time before I knew you'd be getting ready for tonight."
Tonight was the Grammys and not only was Justin performing, but he was nominated too.
"Yeah, I just took a shower. Have a seat, I have a little time," he said, holding his hand out toward the couch.
"Thanks," she said, clutching her purse to her body and taking a seat on the couch.
"So, what brings you by?" he asked, sitting down a few feet away from her. "Everything okay with your family?"
"Oh yeah, they're fine," she said with a wave of her hand. "Yours?"
Justin nodded. "Good. So, now that we've gotten that out of the way....."
"Right," Britney giggled nervously. "Well, I just really wanted to talk to you. Well, not really talk but tell you something."
Justin's face grew serious. He had no idea where this was headed. "Okay," he said slowly.
"And I don't want you to interrupt me or say anything until I'm done, okay? I just need to get this out."
He continued to stare at her.
"I didn't come here today so you could tell me 'I told you so' or to call me names or anything....I just needed to say this because it's been eating away at me and if I don't then it will consume me," she rambled.
"Just tell me then," he said in a monotone voice.
"Okay," she said, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for anything and everything that I ever did to cause you pain. I also wanted to tell you that you hurt me in the past year more than I thought I could be hurt...." She held up her hand when she thought he was going to start to say something. "No, let me finish. I've thought about a lot of things lately and I've realized what I had with you was special and that I'll probably never get that again with anyone. I thought I could. I thought maybe I could have something better with someone but I doubt that," she said, letting her head hang low. "I took you for granted. I took what we had for granted."
She couldn't hold back the tears now. She was studying her hands. "I'm not telling you this now because I think it will make you dump your girlfriend and come running back to me," she choked out, "I just wanted you to know so that I can live with a clean conscience. I still love you, Justin and I always will. Will I ever find anyone? Sure," she chuckled slightly. "I'm sure I will, but he just won't be you. I know I sound pathetic and it sounds like I'm begging but I'm not.....I just wanted to let you know," she sniffed. "I'm sorry I ever doubted your trust or that I wasn't mature enough. But that was me at that time and I've changed, just like I know you've changed," she said, looking up at him with her teary eyes. "You'll always be my heart."
She searched her mind for anything else she wanted to say.
"I'm sure you have a lot to do," she said, picking her purse up off her lap and leaving the room.
When the door slammed shut behind her, Justin finally blinked. He couldn't believe Britney had just been sitting there spilling her guts like that. He knew it took a lot for her. His shoulders slumped.
"Fuck," he said, rubbing his forehead.
The phone snapped him out of his daze.
"Hello," he snapped.
"Well hello to you too. Did I catch you at a bad time?"
Justin leaned his head back against the arm of the couch. "Kinda. I just got out of the shower."
"Oh. A lot of people there yet? I know you get cranky when there's too many people in there with you." Cameron chuckled.
"No, no one but me."
"Are you mad at me, Justin?" she asked cautiously.
He rubbed his temple as he stared at the ceiling. "No, sweetie, I'm not mad at you," he finally said in a soothing tone.
"You nervous?"
"Maybe.....maybe that's it."
"There's no need to be. You'll be amazing tonight just like you always are and I know you're going to take away at least one Grammy," she said enthusiastically.
"We'll see," he chuckled.
He continued his conversation with Cameron but the things Britney said stayed in the back of his mind.
~*~
"And the album of the year goes to......."
Justin took a deep breath as his mom clutched his hand.
"Justin Timberlake.....Justified," the presenter on stage announced.
All Justin remembered was his mom pulling at his arm and then reaching over to give him a kiss on the cheek. He stood up and shook his head as he smiled. He hugged a couple of people around him, who stopped him before he even got out of his row. In the aisle across from him was JC so he walked over to him and the two old friends embraced.
"Go on up there and get your Grammy, man," JC said, patting Justin on the back and giving his shoulder a squeeze.
Justin walked up to the stage and accepted the award. He set it down on the podium, rubbed his head as he gave a crooked smile and shook his head while he studied the Grammy.
"Wow. Mom, mark this down, I'm speechless....I'm at a loss for words," he chuckled. "Well, I usually suck at giving acceptance speeches so my mama told me to be prepared, just in case and write some names down," he said, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a small sheet of paper.
He rattled off the typical names of people who made the album possible from producers to managers to the record company. He thanked the Grammy voters and his fans.
"As always, I have to thank God for blessing me and guiding me. JC, Chris, Lance and Joey.....my brothers, thank you for the support you've given me in the past year and a half. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for what I've learned and gained with you guys. I love you guys. Mom, dad.....all my family, I love you, thank you for your support and for helping me to keep my feet on the ground," he smiled. "And there's someone I should probably thank," he said as he rubbed the back of his head and looked down at the award. His free hand started to rub the base of the award. "Someone who inspired pretty much most of this album," he said with a shrug. He chose his next words carefully. "All I have to say is that your message was heard and taken to heart," he said by putting his other hand over his heart and he gave a quick nod of the head. "Thank you," he said raising the award and turning to leave the podium.
Britney was sitting in the audience, on the other side of the auditorium. She kept a brave face just in case the camera was stuck in her face when he won. Thank goodness it wasn't and when Justin said the last line, she bit her lower lip to keep from getting choked up.
"Wonder who that was about?" Fe teased.
"Hmmm, I don't know," Britney said, trying to hide her smile.
~*~
One week later Britney was in a dance studio in LA working on her choreography for the tour.
"Here comes the showdown....what goes around comes around," she sang as she whirled her head and arm around. "Hold it," she said, waving her arms back and forth. "I don't like the way my head ends up there."
Her choreographer walked over and did the move with her.
"Try it this way," he said as he moved his head slower but kept the arm moving at the same speed.
Justin stood on the side and watched. His arms were folded across his chest.
"That might work. Play back the music please," she said.
The music started again and she tried the routine with the new movement. "That might be better. My voice might get a little shaky though."
Columbus shook his head. "Okay, I get it, you don't like it," he chuckled. "We'll work on something else while you go entertain your visitor," he said with a quick nod toward the door.
Britney wiped the sweat from her forehead.
"What are you talking about?" she asked as she turned around. "Oh.....hi," she smiled at Justin.
"Hey," he smiled back.
"Look, it's the Grammy winner," she teased as she walked over to him.
She grabbed a towel and bottle water on her way.
"I got your flowers, thank you."
"Well, it was my pleasure. I mean since you thanked me for being your inspiration and all," she said, slinging the towel over her shoulder.
He chuckled and looked down at his feet.
"Oh you caught that, did you?"
"Well who else could have inspired that album? I take full credit," she said before sipping the bottled water.
"Yes, it was you, the good and the bad," he said softly. "How are rehearsals going?"
She rolled her eyes. "Slow....at least it seems like that to me. I don't know, I'm just used to....." she stopped herself.
"Having someone else direct your tour?" he finished.
"Yeah," she said, looking down at the ground before looking back up at him. "Columbus is good, though."
"I'm sure he is."
"So, what brings you by?" she asked as she blotted her forehead with the towel.
"Well, you didn't give me a chance to respond to you the other day," he said, putting his hands in his back pocket. "Even though I was too much in shock to respond...."
Britney softly chuckled. "Yeah I'm sure that was kind of a surprise. But it's okay, Justin. I told you, I didn't need you to say anything."
"But I want to," he said softly.
"Please don't say anything to try to make me feel better...." she said with pleading eyes.
He shook his head. "I'm not here to do that."
"Maybe we should go somewhere else," she said looking over her shoulder. "I'll be back in a few minutes," she yelled over to Columbus who was still working on the routine.
She walked out of the studio and down the hall, with Justin following her. She found an office that wasn't being used and sat down on the desk. Justin stood in front of her.
"So.....what you said, it's not going to make me break up with Cameron, but I guess you knew that."
She blinked and nodded. "I knew that." But deep down her heart sank.
"I am happy with her, Brit. It's not what we had but it's good.....it's different...."
She tried to smile but her lips were numb. "That's great."
He stepped back a little because he could see her eyes were getting glassy and this wasn't coming out right at all.
"I wanted to thank you for saying what you said. It meant a lot that you care enough to have said all those things to me. I don't know if I could have gotten up the courage to do it," he said, touching his chest. "And I wanted to say I was sorry for hurting you the past year. I never meant for any of it to get out of hand....the videos or words," he said with a swipe of his hand. "None of it. It all kind of happened fast. I was hurt....it hurt like hell what you put me through," he said, turning around to face the wall. "I never want to go through that pain again. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I lashed out because I was bitter."
Britney was crying now. She sniffed, which made Justin close his eyes.
"I mean I thought it was you and me forever, you know? What the hell was I supposed to do now that that was gone?" he chuckled slightly. "You fucking changed that on us. But anyway," he said wiping his face with his hand. "I patched up my heart and I moved on. No one will be you," he said turning around to face her again. "I will never compare anyone to you or what I have with anyone to what we had.....it would never work."
She nodded. "Because we were first loves?" she asked.
"And because we were young."
She closed her eyes, which made a couple more tears fall.
"And what you have now is a mature relationship...." she stated.
Justin turned his head to the side.
"I don't know. All I know is that I'm happy.....she makes me happy. I want that for you too." He took a step toward her, but she held up her hand.
"I've tried, Justin. It isn't working. But it's okay, I'll be fine now that I've told you how I feel....."
"I do love you.....I always will. I wish I could make things better for you," he shook his head.
"Good bye, Justin," she said, not looking at him.
"Brit...." He stopped himself. There wasn't anything he could say that would make things better at this point. "I'm sorry. Bye," he said softly as he left the room.
Britney sat on the desk, trying to take deep breaths so she could control her crying. When she felt she got it under control she found the nearest restroom so she could throw cold water on her face.
She looked up at herself in the mirror.
"From today on, you're a new woman," she said to her reflection.